I Just Don't Know

Dear God,

I don't believe I've ever written to you.  But for some reason, I just felt like it at this moment.  I wonder about you Dear God, I do.  I wonder if you truly know who I am, if you really do know my name or even have knowledge of what I am, what reality I've created for myself.  At times I envision being a cell in your body.  I do not know the name of the cells in my body, even though I am aware that there are billions.  I do know they have their own level of consciousness and that when many aren't vibrating harmoniously, something just won't feel right to me in my body.  Is that how Earth is to you?  Like a chakra within your own being, when things just aren't harmonious, something just doesn't feel right in your being?  But that doesn't necessarily mean that you know each and every individual one cell, does it?  I really don't know.

Things haven't been right in my life as of late Dear God.  I don't quite know what happened.  I go back and back in my memory bank to try to understand where I may have gone wrong. To be aware. Was there a crossroad that I may have taken somehow the wrong turn?  I can't find the answer for some reason.  It's been three long years since that time of what many define the "awakening", It's been three years, and right when I feel that the synchronicities are leading me back to a path much more suited for me...something happens, and now I feel that not only have I re-traced my steps in my memory bank, somehow I re-traced them literally back three years.

It's not exactly the same...this time there are no 'phenomenons' of flashing lights, of crystals sounds, or butterflies manifesting in mid-air right in front of my eyes.  This time, there are no prophecies, no prophetic dreams, or any audio giving words here and there, or hints of what may be down a short way.  I question if I may have fallen for some trap-something created from my own mind, or seeked the wrong kind of light that has lead me to once again "go to sleep".  If it's not sleep, maybe to at least take a "nap"...but again, I really don't know.  I don't want to be in judgement that things now have to be what once was.  I do understand that the was, can no longer be.  It has all changed.

It must be some nap, or some sleep state.  But I can't decide if it's just a dream or a nightmare...all I know, is that it just is.  I do know that it all seems foreign to me, this mystery; this unknown; and I am uneasy with it.  I don't know anything though I have spent three years "seeking".  Seeking for understanding, seeking for answers, seeking for Self, and seeking you.  My perspective shattered, then reformed, and once again all has been shattered.  My dreams, my hopes, that "ummph" which got me back up to dust off, just doesn't seem there anymore.  When will i wake up?  when will i wake up with a sigh of relief, that it was nothing more, than a 15min dream?

I feel all alone again.  Even more than ever before.  I've isolated myself in these three years.  

I feel shattered and fragmented more than ever before...and I just for some reason, don't have the energy as before to pick up the pieces and move on.  It's even indicated in my current move and packing.  I stare and stare, and i don't know each moment where to finish, where to begin or even if i will finish in time.  Makes me wonder if I am supposed to just leave it all, and walk away?  I've always been impulsive, and get "the job done".  And for some reason, this time, I don't even know what the job is.

Nothing can be how it was, it changes and evolves.  I don't know what was, what will be...all I know, is I believe it's just, All there is...

Take Care,

Carol

Breaking Free from Self Made Cage

 

Self Made Cage...

Few days have now passed.  Time has expanded a bit, to which I can now pack up my apartment with a bit more ease and grace, instead of like some night time robber trying to get as much as I can out in flash of a moment (Hurry! Grab the valuables!!!).  I have also allowed the human emotions of fear, guilt, shame, terror...etc etc etc to move.  Now transmuted, I can once again be centered and view this experience for what it is...from another expanded perspective.  The reality is, I had created a cage for myself.

 My self made cage is a lovely cage, very comfortable cage, indeed!  Which is why I didn't want to see it as a cage.  I love living where I live.  However, due to the financial flow that I am currently moving, I could not explore anything else, but my cage.  The door is open to this cage, it always had been, no one had "trapped" me here, but me.

We are where we are at 'cause of the choices we make...and my choices have not always included investments or a nice "cush" for times like now.  I prefer to purchase Gucci products then Gucci stock!!!  I have always moved the energy of money like tomorrow will never come, yet tomorrow does come into my reality.  This is not a judgment, per se, just a realization and an opportunity to be aware of a pattern/belief that obviously no longer serves me.  

When I realize how I have been living for the past two months, it really wasn't freedom, and I confided and isolated in my comfortable golden cage.  I paid the rent, but then I couldn't do anything else.  No movies, no dinner out...even juggled between groceries and utilities.  I was even advised to have some energy work done to assist in clearing the aura after the Oct./Nov mass release, but yet could not do that.  Even a trip to the nearby water wasn't possible, because i had to chose a few trips to the reservoir or have enough gas to take my son to school.

Kicking and Screaming

I definately was going kicking and screaming.  Was it the big EGO?  Probably!  There is a lot to be said of having your own space and not live under someone else's roof.  I shall miss walk-in closets, walking around in my boxers, and not being cold.  Great thing however, is at least during moments of needing to be grounded, I can at least drive to the reservoir for a walk and some alone time.  I can take my son and have some moments of amusement that we know that we enjoy, then being restricted indoors all the time.

I shall keep pressing forward, even if I am walking backwards with an etheric Fuck You to the Heavens, and an Adieu to the past. 

Freedom 

I'm starting to once again in this moment, feel a sense of freedom.  I don't know how long that will last, but for now it feels good.  I can feel the possible potentials lurking around the corner.  What those potentials are, I do not know.  However, I feel that feeling freed from my cage, attracts more of the essence of freedom. 

Being able to be more free and financially do more of what I enjoy, will also bring more joy.  It's not that I wasn't content in my cage, by all means...but I now can feel that not doing joyful things, not feeling free to explore, etc would keep me in that place of neutrality and somewhat in limbo.

Destination Unknown

What happens from here...I don't know.  For the moment I'm heading towards my parent's home.  Who knows, maybe to practice being centered and see the God within everyone.  Learn to remain centered in the mist of negativity, alcoholism, gossip, and whatever else is in the cesspool of shit in that house.  Thank God I'll have gas money to go somewhere if the stench gets too strong, or my Dad's yelling gets to intolerable.

I'm hoping to be pleasantly surprised that it will be the most wonderful, joyous experience, and totally unexpected.

I'm ready for a new beginning!  Even if starting this new journey entails going out of my comfort for a bit.  Small sacrifice to make when the potential outcome is to be totally free!!!

Love,
Carol

The Writing on the Wall...Uhemm Door

It started with a Noise I couldn't ignore

After a delightful phone call this morning...and answered a few emails.  My surroundings all of a sudden changed.  I felt some energetic shift.  It seemed like some glitch in the matrix, for a split second something happened.  I don't know exactly what that was.  I looked up from my computer screen.  All sounds seemed amplified in that moment.  I could hear a neighbor moving..a lawn mower somewhere in the distance, the BART train was speeding by.  The air in the room at the moment seemed to just stop and be immobile, and I felt that I could feel the vibrations of these sounds just intensify in my body.  WTF?  "What is that?" I asked.  


I quieted down my own breathing to "hear" further...when I heard some weird type of scratching sound on the door.  WTF? x 2.  My heart starting beating.  The sound resonated throughout, I even felt it on my teeth, like a screeching chalk on a chalkboard.  Like sound effects in a movie to get the audience to get "the point" of the importance of such sound.  That noise that is loud yet seems to be muffled inside some dark, dark tunnel.  Time at that moment seemed to be at a standstill 'til I was ready to continue to breathe.


I took a deep breath and looked at my dog.  Asleep he was!  Why didn't he bark?  Did he not hear a noise?  Is the noise just a figment of my imagination?  As I ask myself these questions, I can hear the echoing taps of heels on concrete...clink, clink-clink, clink-clink, clink, clink-clink...to a fade, then disappeared.  Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it was something to just be ignored.


The energy in the air was just too stagnet!!!  I was starting to feel like I just couldn't breathe!!  Something changed and just not right.  I felt nudged to look at the door...and there it was!

Writing on the Wall...(door) 

There it was...taped to my door, The Notice.  I closed my eyes before reading The Notice.  I wanted to be able to say to Self, that I attempted to change my reality down to the last second!  I closed the door and read The Notice.  My heart sunk deep somewhere within.  To some abyss to go gather some kind of incredible strength to emerge back up with some tremendous fierceness in some sick attempt to explode thru my chest.  A thousand radios stations seemed to go off in my head, all tuned to different stations from all over the World.   I tried my best to focus on The Notice, to at least understand what I am in for.

Waiting for the Explosion

The Notice kindly informed me that I have three days.  Three days.  The Mind kindly informed me "Bet you wished you would've Master time by now...".  My Heart just fiercely clobbered me inside my chest.  I just wished it would explode and be done with it.  My ears hurt, my heart hurts, and my legs all of a sudden got wobbly.  Is this my moment of death?  Do peoples legs buckle out from under them moments before they die?

My head swarmed and for an instant I thought I would nearly faint.  The vibrations in the moment were too intense...I internally screamed "I just can't handle this!!!!"  Now my brain seemed like it also wanted to explode right thru the crown...ohhhhh dear, the pressure!!!

Petrified in Fear...

At some moment, Medusa walked in.  Or maybe The Notice was Medusa in disguise.  I am not sure, but as I sat down to keep from collapsing onto the ground, I realized I was engulfed in terror and fear.  Me?  WTH!!!  

How could something so insignificant as The Notice all of a sudden put me in some state of fear?  I don't quite know, but I sat there petrified.  I couldn't move!  A stone statue on the couch, unable to move!!!  Great, now the pigeons can shit on me!!!  My heart beating-"Please just explode, MY GOD!"  Oh dear, I have to MOVE!!!  off the couch and out of this place...can't do that if like a dumb ass i remain petrified in fear!!!  So not like me, but here it was, ME.

Time..Time..see what becomes of me...

I pick up Daniel from school...give him the news...and embrace myself for my beloved sons reactions.  All the meanwhile my legs shake and the radio stations in my head just don't stop the horrific noise!!!  Every sound is amplified SO LOUD, I just want to puke.  I sit still for a bit and close my eyes...the swirl of colors, and sounds and images coming and going!!!  And the Nothing/Void just seemed to spin and spin.  Felt like a night of one too many drinks when the room just won't stop spinning even with your eyes closed!!! 

When I slammed open my eyes, I realized I fell asleep!!  How the fuck could that be possible???  Time, Time, I need to master it like quick, to MOVE out IN TIME!!!!  I don't have a box to pack, I don't have tape...urrrrrgghhhhh I missed getting to the store IN TIME before they close!!!!  TIME, TIME, ILLUSION OF TIME...I FUCKING HATE U!!

Pocket Full of Cliches... 

At the moment I have no uplifting words to Self.  I have a pocket full of positive and spiritual cliches...yet to put a smile on my face seems fake to me.  To stand in my integrity and own truth, I can only honestly say..."I don't know what is truth..."  Somehow I missed being put into some mold of mass consciousness...and somehow I just don't fit the mold of these esoteric philosophies either...

I AM...unmolded (and scrambling for Two days...)

~Carol

Quantum Leap...into Trust

What the Fuck Was I thinking????


OMG!!!!  Yesterday I really got into a state of feeling so sad.  I swear, you would have thought I was grieving the death of a loved one!!!  I was heavy hearted, and boy, I sure wished I could have just mustered the ability to cry and be done with the feeling...but no tears swelled in these eyes!!!


So, here was where I was at.  I'm "mentally" thinking that I am probably going to have to move out of my apartment (by the way, I love being here...that's another story...), hopefully have time to pack everything in storage, and move into my parents home.  I'm sadden by the fact that my manifesting abilities didn't seem to pan out...know what I mean???  I started feeling like a total failure and LOSER!!!  I'm checking my email to see if anyone has responded to any of the gazillion resumes I've sent out..and NOTHING...just spam asking me if I want to enlarge my penis. 


It was sometime in the weee hours of the morning...feeling this incredible energy engulf my body...when I heard that "inner voice" that said, "wait, wait...TRUST TRUST TRUST YOURSELF!!!"  Then without words, I got that KNOWING.  You know that knowing that you just "know", but can't explain to another?


So, first of all, I don't have a sign on my door yet to get the hell out!  So, until then, I'm going to enjoy every minute I am still here.  Run around in my underwear, watch tv or get on the internet while laying on the couch!!!  Having a smoke on the patio in the middle of the night listening to the owls hoot, and occasionally seeing the magnificent moon.


I have asked to engage in work that will bring me happiness!!  Ok, so that may not be apparent yet in my exterior...but there is always the potential that by letting go of the past, including where I am currently residing, will open up the potentials to fullfill that desire.  I have to trust, that I know what the hell I am doing...TRUST.


I have also expressed and smile how I love where I am currently residing.  I have to remember that those feelings of security, happiness, comfort and well being will be attracted...It's Universal Law!!!  So as long as I don't lose touch with those feelings, no matter where I go...it will follow!


I may not know the outcome yet to all this...but I have to TRUST that all has been resolved...and be at peace that the outcome will serve the good of all...take the Quantum Leap of Trust.


So, I am once again at peace with my manifesting skills...remembering to expect the unexpected and not place any controls or definitions to an outcome.  I woke up this morning with a great smile...and finished the morning with much laughter from this great link...the laughter is totally worth living for..


GET HAPPY!!!  All is in divine order.





Much love to you Dear Humanity, and those assisting from the Other Side...


Carol
xoxoxoxo

Encouraging Words...to Self!

I received this card several times in the past few weeks.  I read it, and would somewhat dismiss it with the usual "yeah, yeah..I'm compassionate" and followed with the "what does it mean not to be hard on myself...I am not...".  When I got this card again today, after briefly skimming and doing the yeah, yeah, yeah...I decided to really read it, and I got that "life flashed in a split second" kind of event and recent experiences came into the forefront of my thoughts.

As the images flashed and formed, and dissolved, the feelings that triggered during the recent experiences danced within for awareness and movement once again.  Feeling again the somewhat disappointment, lack of enthusiasm, doubt, and settling into tapping into the intuition..then questioning it!!!

I realized as relationships have moved on, those once close have chosen differant paths and fallen away...I am left standing with me, myself, and I..  No one really left who I had become dependent on in the past to share my dreams, ideas, concerns,...those that once knew me well enough to validate my intuitive moments, to send out an encouraging word towards my weird ideas or extravagant dreams..you know, just someone for a moment of upliftment to keep riding on cloud 9.That compassionate sharing that was extended.

Yet, throughout this whole process I have continued to express upliftment to others I come in contact with.  Trying to be as postive as I can.  Share my own stories for encouragement as that example that anything in life is indeed possible.  Sending out encouraging words with a loving embrace. Extending my compassion and understanding to those I may come in contact with.  But as I've spent a lifetime encouraging others, and now stand alone on my unique path, I have now become aware, that the Quan Yin card is indeed accurate...for I have not been being my own upliftment, my own compassionate being, my own validator of intuition and standing in trust of Self.

Very, very interesting...I have always been a go getter...very independent, and considered myself a person who lacks the word failure generally from my vocabulary...but with this revelation I can see where I can raise myself to another level.  I smile as I give myself an energetic embrace of my own deepest love, like I can love no other but Self.


xoxoxo

Going thru the Wringer in November...

 

"I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known.  Don't know were it goes, but it's home to me and i walk alone..."

 Going thru the Wringer in November...

I started out calling November 2010 as the month of Patterns from the Past...ending the month off  with a high pitch crescendo  internally screaming while going thru some human wringer.  

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  

I will admit that it wasn't as intense as 2009, only because it lacked the intense physical nausea and bowels detoxing.  There was some definite moments of feeling like multiple personality disorder and digging deep somewhere, don't even know where-to go back into center and anchor back in-whewww!!!  That was a damn energetic workout!!! So much came up to be cleared, that at this point, i don't even remember exactly what, but daily was a deep dive within..almost holding my breath..and coming back up  when my lungs felt like they where about to burst-letting out the breath, and all the other shit with it.  I'm so done!!!!

The ride seemed to be over by last week of November, which i slept most of the time.  The intense dreams of earlier in the month also seemed to calm down a bit...and back to dreams of beauty instead of terrifying panic, screams and sub-dimensional fights with people from my past. 

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me, my shallow hearts the only thing that's beating."

It got soooo quiet, that the only thing I felt left standing was me and my shadow..the only bitch is, no matter how I stand and talk to it...it just doesn't quite answer me back.  i don't know if this is a good or bad thing..LOL It definately beats the shadow whispers filled with guilt and shame!!!  

I felt like at the beginning of the month I walked into a house of mirrors screaming from the horror of what each mirror was reflecting back to me...No hiding, and no denying some..hmmm..let me just call them qualities.

If there where some things that I was either denying, or was unaware of, the mirrors reflected them back.  I couldn't find the "out" of this house of mirrors...until the processing that needed to be done at that moment was.  Until there was enough nurturing and love, and heart wide open to accept and integrate and release that which no longer serves.  When finally leaving the house of mirrors, I felt a bit battered from some internal war, and surprised to see nothing in the mirrors...I mean NOTHING...i turned a few times 360 degrees...and nothing was reflected back...just blank mirrors!  Talk about walking alone....

The Vibe continues...another level of self-awareness

November also seemed to push me into another level of self-awareness of not only the emotional triggers and old thought patterns that need to be released.  But also the awareness of the human body.  I seemed much more aware of the signs along with the intuition, that the body gives.  Awareness into the restricted feelings, and constraints of energies in the chakra system that I had not payed attention to before...or if I did, not at this level.  The entire month, I have felt a vibratory energy going up and down my spine, accompanied with occasional sensations of heat.  It is not painful, not uncomfortable per se...but just an awareness...hard for me to explain.

This sensation is not the tingle sensation either that I have occasionally felt start from the Crown and tingle my entire body from crown to toes...this is very vibratory and internal.  As it moves it's way up, it seems to swirl a bit in the heart center, before continuing in it's up and down path.  What is this?  I don't really know...could be some Kundalini type of energy, or maybe just the expansion and awareness of ones own vibratory energy.  I'm not sure, and will take a few "days off" before going within to get a response on this...I'm still feeling a bit in the need of rest after November's energies.



Hanging on to Trust (cont.)...

November also seemed to carry a theme of  "Trust".   That total, feminine energy trust.  The ultimate trust that no matter what Ones exterior World looks like, the Universe will always provide.  Since it seems that I wasn't able to completely grab this one...the theme is moving into Dec. for me.  I'm hanging from the branch, energy merged, knowing i won't fall or suffer serious injury..but I'm hanging there, and trusting and hanging, then realizing.."OK, now what, so i am hanging?..yeah, i didn't fall off the cliff, nor did the branch brake..OK-damn, now I need to get back on solid ground!"

I felt like the branch didn't break, but my old dreams are broken, and I am having a hard time creating new dreams.  Out on the branch, all alone.  And in this moment, I am in an ackward angle and don't quite see my shadow that i'm so used to being accompanied by (even if it doesn't talk back! hey, it's mine!)  At this time, my exterior world isn't what i would like it to be.  I got sooo excited getting out of the House of Mirrors, that I really felt that i had placed ultimate trust in myself, my manifesting abilities, and this process (and the branch-LOL)...but so far nothing has gone into fruition from my manifesting techniques...so my exterior World is not looking that great yet.

Yes, i know it serves...but I am also sooo ready for a new beginning.  I really am.  I don't want to hang over the ledge too long...especially if I already experienced that the branch didn't break, and I didn't fall...totally trust.  Unless, I'm subconsciously some sick bitch, and i'm going to hang out there for a bit accompanied by the Laws of Gravity, to either see if i transcend gravity/belief or if i'll be swooped up by Angels if the branch breaks,  or i accidentally lose my grip getting back on solid ground (ohhh, i'm so 40 days and 40 nights imprinted..i swear-LOL)

Into December I go...

I am however, ever so confident that i have infinite opportunities to keep improving my conscious manifesting skills.  I like to dream, and dream big...even if my old dreams where shattered, and I'm shifting off the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.  I am also positive that everything I have ever asked for…All that I have worked for…everything I deserve and I am worthy of, is on it’s way!!!    Now, let's see if December has me let go the pattern of being such an "extremist" that I've been holding on to (didn't see it in the house of mirrors though-maybe my eyes where closed doing 360 degrees-LOL).  Until then, however, i have extreme issues, other than this blog and my FB page of expressing any type of truths or spiritual philosophies.


Though I get the sense of December being somewhat of a Limbo month...let me dream my way through it...


xoxox

"To thine own self be true…..”

“And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou can not then be false to any man.” 

Pointing Fingers...

 

It's been brought to my attention several times in the past few months that these type of blog posts and posting to Facebook is a way of drawing attention to Oneself.  That it is a way of saying "Look at me...look at how Enlightened I Am..."...almost like the continual seeking outside of Oneself for acceptance or to feel special.  That of the unbalanced big EGO.  I even had someone comment on my first blog post that they no longer "need" to blog or share their experiences.  Yet, I don't ever remember my posts carrying an intent of "needing" to share.  I just felt like doing it in the moment.


I feel like fingers being pointed at me for sharing!!!  I am sure somewhere deep inside it is a reflection that I am either in judgment of myself for these type of transmissions, or maybe what is being reflected back to me is that I can stand true to myself, no matter how others may judge my actions or behaviors.  I don't know.  I ask myself the questions...why do I post?, what do I gain?, and why do I do it?.  And no answer from within comes up with a "need", or acceptance, or look at me...the only response I hear is "sharing", "love", "joy", "freedom".  I do enjoy sharing and do enjoy writing a story or two.  I once had a dream of being a writer.


Then I wonder...even if my posts did have the intent of "look at me..." why would that be bad?  What would it matter?  Can it be OK, for someone who has remained hidden most of this lifetime, to feel comfortable for once to express, whether it be in a personal journal, an electronic journal or social network?  I see it no different than sharing these similar questions, insights and experiences via a post than via a phone conversation.  It's the same for me, minus the expense of international phone calls!!!   
 

Lighting the Way...

We all carry infinite potential roads to walk for processing and towards what some call "Enlightenment" or "Ascension"...who is to say that my current processing and chosen paths aren't also being lightened up for those who may, or may not chose to follow?  I have the spark of the divine also within as any other human incarnate on Earth...so I am positive that my words, the words of God, and channeled from my Higher Self, serve someone, somehow, somewhere...if not, most importantly these posts and words, indeed serve Me!


Sometimes I wonder if the mediums such as Rothers, Barbara With, Lauren Gorgo, Meridith Murphy, etc etc etc. receive emails that their transmissions or newsletters, that find their way into thousands of email inboxes, are nothing more than these medium's way of trying to get attention or acceptance outside of themselves?   I wonder how many times they hear that sharing in a Newsletter about this process has to do with their big EGO? Or that sitting in front of a video camera  while channeling is just a form of Spiritual Glamor.  I do wonder...

I AM That I AM...true to Self.

Carol

Patterns...from...the...Past...xxxx...xxxx...xxxx...

 

Boy, isn’t November turning into such a bitch with old belief and old patterns smacked dab in One’s face!!!!  I’m calling this month, the month of “Patterns from the Past”.  It’s been an interesting month to once again let go that which no longer serves.  It’s going even deeper than before, because the behaviors and patterns aren’t the typical patterns One has already released and broken from during this process…these are patterns that come up every 5-10 years, so at first that don’t even seem like patterns, but some random experience that defies any Universal Law.  However, they indeed follow the Universals Laws and really put us threw the test of being able to use all tools and energy work into place..walk the talk, per se, and remain grounded and centered.

This month also seems to continue the intensity of completing any karmic and soul contracts…especially those with family that we may be still holding on to, due to the beliefs one has around family and family unity.  I for One, become aware this weekend of some family dynamics that I had not paid attention to in the past…especially since I have only become once again involved with my biological family less than three years.  I will honestly say, what I observed this weekend, has once again deepened the desire to not really interact with them..and through intent have release the energetic ties that may still be holding on for dear life.  Though I do believe all experiences serve, and harmony can be obtained even in an unharmonious environment..for all energy can be transmuted to serve..but I also do not object from the simply act of removing Oneself from what does not serve.

The truth is, I enjoy so much more communicated with soul family, then I do with biological family.  At least for now, while remaining contracts are coming into closure, until the time comes that some relationships can come back together anew.

I didn’t feel much physical symptoms for the 11/11 portal..but I did have a moment that felt like multiple personality disorder..and the old feelings of doubt and distrust rose to the service.  I was cursing this process and path…wanted to jump out of my skin and just be done with it.  It was probably a 48hour episode…with the highlight being some weird feelings of seeming to have asthmatic episodes.  Boy was I relieved when that shit was over..and back to center.  I am also glad, that in that moment I almost made some decision that I had not intuitively gone in to feel if it would serve my highest good..and before committing, I decided to wait a week or so before doing a “feel” it and deciding.  Whewww!!  LOL 

Going into mid-month now, I am once again feeling the excitement of this life ending, and once again getting the glimpses of a new beginning just peering around the corner.  I see the beauty of sporting patterns that will serve.  I smile knowing all that I have asked for…All that I have worked for…everything I deserve and I am worthy of is on it’s way!!! 

I smile knowing…I am that I fucking AM..OH YEAH!!!!

Carol

Almost Lost My Mind...

Wasn’t October such an interesting month?  With only a few weeks into November, October came and went.  Left me as fast as it came…like a wind of change that blows my hair back while caressing my face, tingling my body..mmmm with a sweet smell of Earth; only leaving the imprints of emotions and feelings that where triggered and transmuted, but yet, I can’t really remember much of the month’s events.

I do know that I did go through some tremendous shift somewhere mid-month.  This shift brought in a gift decoratively wrapped in the most precious wrapping paper, topped with the most amazing, intricate sparkling bow.  I was excited to unwrap this wonderful package, to find inside the gift of awareness showing me how I was still very absorbed in the intellectual and mind.  The mind is a terrible thing to waste…so this gift included the added bonus of not transcending the mind, per se, but the knowing of how to re-program the mind to be the servant and no longer be the master.  I really felt that I had done this already, and at a surface level indeed I had.  But this next phase was to really go deeper and becoming aware of my thoughts and patterns-and breaking them to allow a much deeper understanding and alignment.

   
Feeling Naked... 
 

 

There was a few days of feeling completely hopeless and helpless.  The mind chatter seemed to stop!!  That was soooo surprising to me.  I felt yet another level of discomfort by this.  Like my best friend just died!!!  I was sitting in quiet, in the moment, yet something seemed like it was “missing”.  I felt naked and exposed. It also didn’t feel right to just let it leave…so I went looking for it.

A State of Mind...

As I closed my eyes, I saw my mind crying in deep sobs crouched in a dark corner.  I gently had to approach this wounded child carefully and cautiously so it would not hide deeper and deeper away from me.  As I slowly approach this beloved one, and sat next to it…it yelled and screamed at me..telling me how mad it was and how much it fucking hated me.  It felt rage, and rejected.  I could feel this beloved one.  Through every cell in my body, I could feel what it was feeling.  My heart broke, my gut turned, my eyes filled with tears as well. 




Nurture...  

 

Instinctly, I wanted to swallow back these feelings, and pretend that everything would be fine.  For a split second of a moment, I felt like the parent that sets boundaries for their child, and during a trantum does not enforce the boundaries..and doesn’t follow thru.  The next split second, before going back to my old patterns and behaviors..I allowed my feelings to move in the presence of my mind.  Both, together hovered in a corner.  I slowly got closer to my mind, and swiftly took my mind into my arms and we both sobbed together.  I explained to my mind that I understood how it was feeling, for I have had those feeling myself this lifetime.  I explained however, that things could not be the same, and change was inevitable.  We moved into silence, then moved into a loving embrace.  As my mind opened up and allowed me to nurture it so.

I told mind that I was sooo sorry.  Asked my mind to please forgive me.  I expressed my gratitude for all it has done for me during this lifetime.  Proceeding with telling my mind how much I ever so loved my mind…right at the moment, we re-merged as One.

 

We continue working on total alignment…

Carol