Wasn’t October such an interesting month? With only a few weeks into November, October came and went. Left me as fast as it came…like a wind of change that blows my hair back while caressing my face, tingling my body..mmmm with a sweet smell of Earth; only leaving the imprints of emotions and feelings that where triggered and transmuted, but yet, I can’t really remember much of the month’s events.
I do know that I did go through some tremendous shift somewhere mid-month. This shift brought in a gift decoratively wrapped in the most precious wrapping paper, topped with the most amazing, intricate sparkling bow. I was excited to unwrap this wonderful package, to find inside the gift of awareness showing me how I was still very absorbed in the intellectual and mind. The mind is a terrible thing to waste…so this gift included the added bonus of not transcending the mind, per se, but the knowing of how to re-program the mind to be the servant and no longer be the master. I really felt that I had done this already, and at a surface level indeed I had. But this next phase was to really go deeper and becoming aware of my thoughts and patterns-and breaking them to allow a much deeper understanding and alignment.
Feeling Naked...
There was a few days of feeling completely hopeless and helpless. The mind chatter seemed to stop!! That was soooo surprising to me. I felt yet another level of discomfort by this. Like my best friend just died!!! I was sitting in quiet, in the moment, yet something seemed like it was “missing”. I felt naked and exposed. It also didn’t feel right to just let it leave…so I went looking for it.
A State of Mind...
As I closed my eyes, I saw my mind crying in deep sobs crouched in a dark corner. I gently had to approach this wounded child carefully and cautiously so it would not hide deeper and deeper away from me. As I slowly approach this beloved one, and sat next to it…it yelled and screamed at me..telling me how mad it was and how much it fucking hated me. It felt rage, and rejected. I could feel this beloved one. Through every cell in my body, I could feel what it was feeling. My heart broke, my gut turned, my eyes filled with tears as well.
Nurture...
Instinctly, I wanted to swallow back these feelings, and pretend that everything would be fine. For a split second of a moment, I felt like the parent that sets boundaries for their child, and during a trantum does not enforce the boundaries..and doesn’t follow thru. The next split second, before going back to my old patterns and behaviors..I allowed my feelings to move in the presence of my mind. Both, together hovered in a corner. I slowly got closer to my mind, and swiftly took my mind into my arms and we both sobbed together. I explained to my mind that I understood how it was feeling, for I have had those feeling myself this lifetime. I explained however, that things could not be the same, and change was inevitable. We moved into silence, then moved into a loving embrace. As my mind opened up and allowed me to nurture it so.
I told mind that I was sooo sorry. Asked my mind to please forgive me. I expressed my gratitude for all it has done for me during this lifetime. Proceeding with telling my mind how much I ever so loved my mind…right at the moment, we re-merged as One.
We continue working on total alignment…
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