Eye to Eye??? WTF? Who Are You?

I've been staring at this blogger page for days now.  Not even sure what I even want to write about at this moment.

It's been an incredible month!  Mid February to present, for me was another ride!  Though I made every attempt to just sit back, look out the window, and enjoy the ride...I couldn't shake off the feeling of wanting to jump off and run across the luscious green meadows and go pick some flowers.  Especially during the moments I felt that horrible motion sickness! LOL  (ohhh dear God, my head!!!!!)

I really can't say what exactly was going on.  I can barely even describe that vibratory frequency that hits the crown of my head, that seems to shake my brain in a way it is not accustom to...leaving me in some state of being unable to truely focus on anything...feeling stupid, with waves of nausea while my head just wanting to erupt in somekind of way to find some relief!!!  I define that state as the pre-earthquake state..but I really can't say if indeed that is what it is.  Oh well, what can I say?  It just is.

During this month, I also found myself feeling very nostalgic for my "old" life.  Maybe not "old" but just the way most things where before.  I am not one that likes to dwell on the past...but as the ride continued and I screamed to let me off-I couldn't help but wish, I hadn't taken the red pill and would have just chosen the blue pill (as Tony Brown also recently mentioned on FB).

During some really damn cold nights the past few weeks...and heading off to job interviews, then being presented with a new opportunity, I realized not only had I been removed from that which I earned an income from in the past...but I realized once again, how I have been "removed" once again from just about everything I had once known...even that of Self.  It's seems as though I spent the past few years truly accepting and acknowledging who I am...to then stand once again eye-to-eye with who I was, and not quite recognizing the current person.  I find myself not acting or reacting as I once did...making different choices, and just trying to go with the flow without having to push my way upstream all the time.  I do know who I am..but yet eye-to-eye with who I was...I do get that sense of not recognizing myself again (smile).  Either way, we continue moving forward, walking hand-in-hand; that which is, with that which was; merged as one.

I can't say that I don't get into the swarms of fear and doubt.  I still do.  But it seems to be different now.  Even during times that I'm playing just in the mind, and in fear and doubt-once I take a deep breath to try to see why such emotions are triggered...I soon realized that it is all based on experiences of the past..yet I have no clue whether the one I am today will still feel the same as the one I was placed in a similar situation...Of course until a similar situation presents itself.  Soooo, once again I'm back into a more serene state of mind of not even worrying about it, for it is not in my now moment!  Hard for me to explain...which is why I have looked at this blog page for days without writing anything.  I really can't explain how I am feeling in the moment.  It's not bad by any means.  it's just new for me.

I also seem to feel that bit of disconnect again.  It does make me laugh though instead of feeling lost and having to make some kind of huge effort to find my way again.  It seems like the past few years I've been going around in circles trying to find my way back home.  Feeling like there was always something to keep me from it.  I even placed blame on my mind being the culprit...then my ego...and at sometimes even saying it must be the fault of either the subconscious or my Higher Self that keeps trying to keep me out of the sense of Heaven on Earth..or of truly going back home.  Boy, did I really beat myself up!!!  Full circle...full circle...no one but me has ever been responsible for the feeling of being broken down and being unable to reach the state of being I so desire.  So easy to place blame even of other parts of Self  (mind, sub-conscious, higher self, ego, etc)...but really there is nothing and no one to blame..just me (like blame really needs to be placed..LOL).  Anyway...

I have also faced that this journey of the past couple of years has been a nice distraction to not get my shit together...pick up the pieces, put them together and set my wrongs, right (woohoo, look at the mess I created! oh yeah!)  Like somewhere I have looked to answer the mysteries of life...found no answers...all the while, life has been life.  There has been no easy fix...no short cuts...no windfalls...no magic tricks, no disappearing acts..etc etc etc.  Now that I am ready for new beginnings...a couple of aspects of my past keep coming back up; dealing with those aspects will help me feel the sense of complete freedom.  The are not major or significant..but non the less, still there for me to deal with and face.  I am now ready to do such.  May take me years...who knows..but I am ready to mend it all.

New Beginnings!!! 

I can however say, that the past few days have been amazing!  I'm making progress on my new contract, and that definitely gives me a sense of accomplishment and upliftment.  The weather has been great...and I am feeling that wonderful energy of new beginnings that spring always seems to carry.  Great time to start over!

Maybe my next blog post will be a bit more clear...

Much love to you All,

Kero

xoxoxoxo

PS-The first song at the top is one of my Favs...feel the energy to feel why I included it on this post-enjoy (smile)