After a delightful phone call this morning...and answered a few emails. My surroundings all of a sudden changed. I felt some energetic shift. It seemed like some glitch in the matrix, for a split second something happened. I don't know exactly what that was. I looked up from my computer screen. All sounds seemed amplified in that moment. I could hear a neighbor moving..a lawn mower somewhere in the distance, the BART train was speeding by. The air in the room at the moment seemed to just stop and be immobile, and I felt that I could feel the vibrations of these sounds just intensify in my body. WTF? "What is that?" I asked.
I quieted down my own breathing to "hear" further...when I heard some weird type of scratching sound on the door. WTF? x 2. My heart starting beating. The sound resonated throughout, I even felt it on my teeth, like a screeching chalk on a chalkboard. Like sound effects in a movie to get the audience to get "the point" of the importance of such sound. That noise that is loud yet seems to be muffled inside some dark, dark tunnel. Time at that moment seemed to be at a standstill 'til I was ready to continue to breathe.
I took a deep breath and looked at my dog. Asleep he was! Why didn't he bark? Did he not hear a noise? Is the noise just a figment of my imagination? As I ask myself these questions, I can hear the echoing taps of heels on concrete...clink, clink-clink, clink-clink, clink, clink-clink...to a fade, then disappeared. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it was something to just be ignored.
The energy in the air was just too stagnet!!! I was starting to feel like I just couldn't breathe!! Something changed and just not right. I felt nudged to look at the door...and there it was!
Writing on the Wall...(door)
There it was...taped to my door, The Notice. I closed my eyes before reading The Notice. I wanted to be able to say to Self, that I attempted to change my reality down to the last second! I closed the door and read The Notice. My heart sunk deep somewhere within. To some abyss to go gather some kind of incredible strength to emerge back up with some tremendous fierceness in some sick attempt to explode thru my chest. A thousand radios stations seemed to go off in my head, all tuned to different stations from all over the World. I tried my best to focus on The Notice, to at least understand what I am in for.
Waiting for the Explosion
The Notice kindly informed me that I have three days. Three days. The Mind kindly informed me "Bet you wished you would've Master time by now...". My Heart just fiercely clobbered me inside my chest. I just wished it would explode and be done with it. My ears hurt, my heart hurts, and my legs all of a sudden got wobbly. Is this my moment of death? Do peoples legs buckle out from under them moments before they die?
My head swarmed and for an instant I thought I would nearly faint. The vibrations in the moment were too intense...I internally screamed "I just can't handle this!!!!" Now my brain seemed like it also wanted to explode right thru the crown...ohhhhh dear, the pressure!!!
At some moment, Medusa walked in. Or maybe The Notice was Medusa in disguise. I am not sure, but as I sat down to keep from collapsing onto the ground, I realized I was engulfed in terror and fear. Me? WTH!!!
How could something so insignificant as The Notice all of a sudden put me in some state of fear? I don't quite know, but I sat there petrified. I couldn't move! A stone statue on the couch, unable to move!!! Great, now the pigeons can shit on me!!! My heart beating-"Please just explode, MY GOD!" Oh dear, I have to MOVE!!! off the couch and out of this place...can't do that if like a dumb ass i remain petrified in fear!!! So not like me, but here it was, ME.
I pick up Daniel from school...give him the news...and embrace myself for my beloved sons reactions. All the meanwhile my legs shake and the radio stations in my head just don't stop the horrific noise!!! Every sound is amplified SO LOUD, I just want to puke. I sit still for a bit and close my eyes...the swirl of colors, and sounds and images coming and going!!! And the Nothing/Void just seemed to spin and spin. Felt like a night of one too many drinks when the room just won't stop spinning even with your eyes closed!!!
When I slammed open my eyes, I realized I fell asleep!! How the fuck could that be possible??? Time, Time, I need to master it like quick, to MOVE out IN TIME!!!! I don't have a box to pack, I don't have tape...urrrrrgghhhhh I missed getting to the store IN TIME before they close!!!! TIME, TIME, ILLUSION OF TIME...I FUCKING HATE U!!
At the moment I have no uplifting words to Self. I have a pocket full of positive and spiritual cliches...yet to put a smile on my face seems fake to me. To stand in my integrity and own truth, I can only honestly say..."I don't know what is truth..." Somehow I missed being put into some mold of mass consciousness...and somehow I just don't fit the mold of these esoteric philosophies either...
I AM...unmolded (and scrambling for Two days...)
~Carol
Jep, finally finding someone that does not fit any mould at all, I started to think I was the weirdo on this planet, but I have a sister here... shaking the premises up and down, and trembling the energy out of her....
ReplyDeleteI knew you were a star being, exploding things into and out of reality... jep, there you are... just like me, but not exactly like me... the breathers of fire, the outcast ones.... pressed against the wall... and there lies the strenght of the lionness that you are, and I AM too.... K
Oh my sister Komaya...yes indeed, the outcasts! Time of the lioness strength yet once again. And in the end, we have yet another grand story to tell about our journey.
ReplyDeleteI've missed you and glad we have once again connected, dear one. Can't wait to hear where your journey has taken you in the past few months.
You know you are always in my heart...as you always have been, and always will be...
And so it is...
~C
My Grand Sistar 'Kero' ~
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling. Every single one. I went through it too. You know I did. Stay very very calm and not stuck. Here is what gets in the way. To ask for help. You feel as though you have failed and missed something. YOU HAVE NOT. You can Expand the Time. I have 'seen' you do it. Expand the time.
K AND I KNOW YOU WILL BE OKE. Even if you are so darn pissed off...its cool. I am speaking from the experience and not just some pitiful' observer'.
And for a grand smile, a grand cry and a huge hug for you...tell Daniel he may have to 'go back to working miracles' too. You are not IN THIS ALONE! (And Remember that huge beautiful house you keep seeing? You will create it!)
I love you dear friend...~♥♥♥♥~
Thank you Beloved Margo! I apologize for such a late reply, but somehow I haven't figured out how to be notified when there are comments.
ReplyDeleteIndeed! I have mentioned the exact same thing to Daniel a few days ago when he was expressing his own frustration and anger about this move. Hmmm, almost in a way at trying to "blame" me. And of course my own reply was that I wasn't in this alone, and how easy it was to sit back (and play video games) and blame others. I am a true believer in the powers of synergy!
OH, yes...i know that house, it's called Residence 4! Literally, LOL it's the name of the model. It shall be mine one day! I just know it.
Love you!
Carol