I Just Don't Know

Dear God,

I don't believe I've ever written to you.  But for some reason, I just felt like it at this moment.  I wonder about you Dear God, I do.  I wonder if you truly know who I am, if you really do know my name or even have knowledge of what I am, what reality I've created for myself.  At times I envision being a cell in your body.  I do not know the name of the cells in my body, even though I am aware that there are billions.  I do know they have their own level of consciousness and that when many aren't vibrating harmoniously, something just won't feel right to me in my body.  Is that how Earth is to you?  Like a chakra within your own being, when things just aren't harmonious, something just doesn't feel right in your being?  But that doesn't necessarily mean that you know each and every individual one cell, does it?  I really don't know.

Things haven't been right in my life as of late Dear God.  I don't quite know what happened.  I go back and back in my memory bank to try to understand where I may have gone wrong. To be aware. Was there a crossroad that I may have taken somehow the wrong turn?  I can't find the answer for some reason.  It's been three long years since that time of what many define the "awakening", It's been three years, and right when I feel that the synchronicities are leading me back to a path much more suited for me...something happens, and now I feel that not only have I re-traced my steps in my memory bank, somehow I re-traced them literally back three years.

It's not exactly the same...this time there are no 'phenomenons' of flashing lights, of crystals sounds, or butterflies manifesting in mid-air right in front of my eyes.  This time, there are no prophecies, no prophetic dreams, or any audio giving words here and there, or hints of what may be down a short way.  I question if I may have fallen for some trap-something created from my own mind, or seeked the wrong kind of light that has lead me to once again "go to sleep".  If it's not sleep, maybe to at least take a "nap"...but again, I really don't know.  I don't want to be in judgement that things now have to be what once was.  I do understand that the was, can no longer be.  It has all changed.

It must be some nap, or some sleep state.  But I can't decide if it's just a dream or a nightmare...all I know, is that it just is.  I do know that it all seems foreign to me, this mystery; this unknown; and I am uneasy with it.  I don't know anything though I have spent three years "seeking".  Seeking for understanding, seeking for answers, seeking for Self, and seeking you.  My perspective shattered, then reformed, and once again all has been shattered.  My dreams, my hopes, that "ummph" which got me back up to dust off, just doesn't seem there anymore.  When will i wake up?  when will i wake up with a sigh of relief, that it was nothing more, than a 15min dream?

I feel all alone again.  Even more than ever before.  I've isolated myself in these three years.  

I feel shattered and fragmented more than ever before...and I just for some reason, don't have the energy as before to pick up the pieces and move on.  It's even indicated in my current move and packing.  I stare and stare, and i don't know each moment where to finish, where to begin or even if i will finish in time.  Makes me wonder if I am supposed to just leave it all, and walk away?  I've always been impulsive, and get "the job done".  And for some reason, this time, I don't even know what the job is.

Nothing can be how it was, it changes and evolves.  I don't know what was, what will be...all I know, is I believe it's just, All there is...

Take Care,

Carol