AGAIN!!!

It's unfortunate I only write on this blog when I'm in pain...but so it is.


A relationship that I perceived as beautiful ended tonight.  I am a bit saddend and a little hurt.  But what can I do, other than honor the choice of another.  Especially of someone that I found to be such a beautiful being.  The kindest hearted person I had ever been in a relationship with.


It's difficult in this now moment to quiet the mind and ego.  I feel once again like such a failure when it comes to relationships.  There is a part of me that I try to quiet, that just screams what I fool I am.


I felt this relationship to be so differant the any of the others.  How I enjoyed and took great pleasure in being able to relate with another.  To share a bit of my empath skills, a bit of telepathy...and shared some of the my experiences that I have never share with another.  I shared a bit of my physical, energetic symptoms...but still held back a bit.  I enjoyed and appreciated the seemingly lack of judgement and the sense that I was accepted.  I loved his presence, his humor...those amazing eyes, his attentiveness, warmth and beautiful heart.  Wonderful soul that I had the pleasure of being in the presence of.


After such a long time, not in any type of romantic or intimate relationship, I felt free again to trust and be open to love.


The relationship came and went so fast.  I don't even think it was three months.  What a wonderful three months that I shall forever hold in my heart.  Be ever so thankful for such an amazing reflection, that filled me once again with hope, that only love is real. 


I hope that after the sweet saddness of this ending goes away, I can keep my heart open and not shut it down again.  I hope I can keep the mind quiet...to not be so hard on me this time.  To not judge me, call me names...and understand, that sometimes I just don't want to understand...even if I'm confused as to why this ended..to just accept what is with a loving embrace.


I thank this beautiful being for participating in my life...even for a short time.  I shall miss him, though will always carry him in my heart and conscious awareness...


Much love to you beloved being of light...


Namaste~
Carol

Tension is HIGH!!!

Cut the tension with a Knife!!!!

Tension is riding high in this household.  The parents argue and argue.  I've been trying to hide in my room...the energy in the air gets so thick with tension, you can cut it with a knife!!!  I have unfortunately been caught a few times in the cross fire.  Being sharp with the tongue myself-I've lashed out, said what I have to say..then go back in my room.

I find it interesting though.  How can a couple be married 30 odd some years and live this way day-in and day-out?  First few months living here wasn't too bad.  I wonder if "they" tried keeping it on the low, and now that there is a comfort level as time has past of me being here...the shit of words gets slung a lot more readily.  Hmmm, I wonder.  First few times, was not a big deal to me...but it can be difficult being the observer, just watching while eating seeds, if you will. (or popcorn, whatever you fancy watching the drama).

After the first few times; I find it sickening even to just hear...I get a huge lump in my throat and my solar plex area gets really really tight.  To me these arguments seem so insignificant...anger being expressed just by a simple question not being answered as expected..etc etc.  While in my room, I take a deep breath (more like 20 deep breaths!)...and shift into that space between the sacred silence and sleep..(how many times can I chant OOOoHHHHmmmmm...LOL).

Childhood Memories...

I can't help but flash on to some childhood memories during these times.  Images and scenarios play back in my mind...and definitely not on demand.  I'd rather keep the past where it belongs...in the past.  But the great Mind at times has been triggered into some sort of recall...of the constant yelling and screaming.  The constant verbal abuse and sense of humiliation.

I recall the numerous times I just wanted to scream back...yet didn't, to avoid the potential of physical punishment.  My heart beating, my faced flushed, my legs shaking in the moment I was going against my own will..and not screaming out to just "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!".  And I recall how well in the teenage years I was able to endure such treatment, while standing straight as a soldier...with an expressionless poker face, gulping spit and air down to suppress any anger, pain and any possible tears; while toughening up that wall.  "Go ahead, sling the shit my way!!!  I won't feel it anyway!!!  I've built a great wall"  Definitely wasn't standing behind the short wall...but what did I know back then?

My own relationships

I also can't help, but reflect on my own romantic relationships of the past.  Just about everyone one (except maybe one); all had the dysfunctional element of verbal abuse.  Though most of the time...I was the one enduring the abuse...I would be dishonest, if I didn't say that occasionally I played the role of the abuser.  Especially when I just couldn't stand the name calling anymore (even landed a weekend in jail from it!!!  oh well! live and learn).

It's interesting though.  I question how my parents can live this way day-in and day-out...but I have done the same in the past.  Obviously not for 30 years...but for at least a couple of years at a time.  Why?  Mostly because I felt that not "accepting" other's anger management issues...or just "accepting" meant that I was not a loving and an all accepting person.  I had no regards of putting the love and respect of self first!  Boy, that awareness sure is a tough growing pain (OUCH!)

There was always the intuitive signs that it was time for me to leave..yet I remained.  Bonded and chained by no one but that of the ego and Self...and mixed with the fear of not getting what I want and fear of losing what i have.  With no regards that by staying the only thing lost was Self.  One always has choices...and the choice of not choosing; isn't always the best for me.  Now, I am more in tune with my intuition, and believe I would leave sooner than later...and the first signs of dysfunction will have me screaming for the door, then playing an all loving, all encompassing martyr.  At least I believe so, but not quite sure 'til I am in the midst of such experience.

Sexual Energy Virus

Though I am a big advocate on the positive, healthy use of balanced sexual energy and it's creativity (I choose to call it making love vs just having sex-I personally have only experienced the latter)...I do wonder how much of the dysfunction I see and have even experienced has to do with the sexual energy virus and the imbalance of masculine/feminine energies?  I don't want to necessarily get into that discussion on this blog post..for I feel it deserves it's own thread.

I do however feel, that the yelling...a form of controlling another's emotions...does indeed relate to some very deep soul imprinting..not only that which has been imprinted during times spent in the realms some call Heaven..but also during incarnations on Earth, such as during the pre-Lemurian times/realms in the Land of Pan.

How do you own disorder?

Though in the past few months, I have not been desirous or willing to go into deep analysis as I used to...but I can't help but wonder how do I own this current environment?  I am a true believer that what manifests in the exterior, is a reflection of what is in One's interior.  Is there still argument, fear, control issues, and anger within my Being that I have yet allowed to surface?  How do I own this disorder, even if it is being played out by the parents?  I do believe all is an inside job...and the change we wish to see in the our exterior World, must first change within.(though simply doing a conversion to 7.0 on the parents would be damn nice!!!-hahaha)

I am not sure of the answers...but I do know that which is being reflected is something that I do not wish to have in my life.  My desire is peace, harmony and the reality of not only the love of self...but that the love of self being reflected back to me..does that make sense?  And this could all be playing out to realize that I am just not there yet..of truly, and completely loving mySelf.

Breaking the Pattern-Breaking Free

I would totally love to break free from such a lifestyle and pattern.  I hope I will be able to.  Not being in a romantic relationship in this now moment..I don't know if I would fall back into such dynamics.  I really don't know.  Though I would hope, at this point in my life, I wouldn't even attract such dysfunction, to even have to deal with it.  But who knows?

I have never experienced a relationship where both; love each other truly from the heart.  Not ever experiencing such, I can't really say if it is even possible.  I haven't even witnessed it as an observer, to even know if indeed it is possible.  And not just in reference to the romantic..but in all those I relate with (family friends, co-workers, etc etc )  I feel in my heart and my own imagination; I believe all is possible, but just have not experienced such...yet!  I do hope, that I do experience it, at least once, this lifetime.  Love indeed is real...even if everything else is just some fucked up illusion.

Shifting Vibrations...

In the mean time...I have been working on shifting my vibrations.  It is very easy for me to go back into my own patterns and cycles of doubling up the surface of the wall, and in essence denying the current tension in the household.  I don't just want to go into the usual survival mode and pretend that it has nothing to do with me...ignore the potential reflection of Self in this..but I also don't want to wallow in it either.

I find there is more to this than I may even currently be aware of at the moment.  I truly believe it is more than just shrugging the shoulders and saying.."...it's not about me, let them deal with it..".  Though in essence it is true..it's the parent's interaction and relationship...it is hard for me to explain.  I can't control or change the perspective of another...I can only work on Self. 

I am not in denial of the reflection...but do know that I am in control of my own vibrations...and other than dodge the energetic bullets by just "hiding" in my room, I am also keeping with activities and experiences that change my vibrations to be more in joy and happy regardless of the current environment; while trying to keep a balance from being way too impulsive (as we know, that hasn't always served me this lifetime..LOL)  And I ever so look forward to these activities and experiences.  I have started going to a Yoga class and a Salsa dance class, among some of the other activities I may spontaneously do that make me ever so happy (smile)  I totally love it!!!

All is well in the Universe..

And so it is...

Carol

Hello Beautiful Earth

Earth is sooo beautiful.  When I see videos such as these, I can't help but long to explore more of this beautiful planet.  Though I've spent some time, this lifetime trying to understand the phenomenons of life thru chemistry and physics...I am always in awe of the beauty of Earth and the forces of nature.

I don't have much to say at this time on this blog...other than I'm feeling restless and want to break free to explore some place I've never explored before.

Much love to All...

Carol

Eye to Eye??? WTF? Who Are You?

I've been staring at this blogger page for days now.  Not even sure what I even want to write about at this moment.

It's been an incredible month!  Mid February to present, for me was another ride!  Though I made every attempt to just sit back, look out the window, and enjoy the ride...I couldn't shake off the feeling of wanting to jump off and run across the luscious green meadows and go pick some flowers.  Especially during the moments I felt that horrible motion sickness! LOL  (ohhh dear God, my head!!!!!)

I really can't say what exactly was going on.  I can barely even describe that vibratory frequency that hits the crown of my head, that seems to shake my brain in a way it is not accustom to...leaving me in some state of being unable to truely focus on anything...feeling stupid, with waves of nausea while my head just wanting to erupt in somekind of way to find some relief!!!  I define that state as the pre-earthquake state..but I really can't say if indeed that is what it is.  Oh well, what can I say?  It just is.

During this month, I also found myself feeling very nostalgic for my "old" life.  Maybe not "old" but just the way most things where before.  I am not one that likes to dwell on the past...but as the ride continued and I screamed to let me off-I couldn't help but wish, I hadn't taken the red pill and would have just chosen the blue pill (as Tony Brown also recently mentioned on FB).

During some really damn cold nights the past few weeks...and heading off to job interviews, then being presented with a new opportunity, I realized not only had I been removed from that which I earned an income from in the past...but I realized once again, how I have been "removed" once again from just about everything I had once known...even that of Self.  It's seems as though I spent the past few years truly accepting and acknowledging who I am...to then stand once again eye-to-eye with who I was, and not quite recognizing the current person.  I find myself not acting or reacting as I once did...making different choices, and just trying to go with the flow without having to push my way upstream all the time.  I do know who I am..but yet eye-to-eye with who I was...I do get that sense of not recognizing myself again (smile).  Either way, we continue moving forward, walking hand-in-hand; that which is, with that which was; merged as one.

I can't say that I don't get into the swarms of fear and doubt.  I still do.  But it seems to be different now.  Even during times that I'm playing just in the mind, and in fear and doubt-once I take a deep breath to try to see why such emotions are triggered...I soon realized that it is all based on experiences of the past..yet I have no clue whether the one I am today will still feel the same as the one I was placed in a similar situation...Of course until a similar situation presents itself.  Soooo, once again I'm back into a more serene state of mind of not even worrying about it, for it is not in my now moment!  Hard for me to explain...which is why I have looked at this blog page for days without writing anything.  I really can't explain how I am feeling in the moment.  It's not bad by any means.  it's just new for me.

I also seem to feel that bit of disconnect again.  It does make me laugh though instead of feeling lost and having to make some kind of huge effort to find my way again.  It seems like the past few years I've been going around in circles trying to find my way back home.  Feeling like there was always something to keep me from it.  I even placed blame on my mind being the culprit...then my ego...and at sometimes even saying it must be the fault of either the subconscious or my Higher Self that keeps trying to keep me out of the sense of Heaven on Earth..or of truly going back home.  Boy, did I really beat myself up!!!  Full circle...full circle...no one but me has ever been responsible for the feeling of being broken down and being unable to reach the state of being I so desire.  So easy to place blame even of other parts of Self  (mind, sub-conscious, higher self, ego, etc)...but really there is nothing and no one to blame..just me (like blame really needs to be placed..LOL).  Anyway...

I have also faced that this journey of the past couple of years has been a nice distraction to not get my shit together...pick up the pieces, put them together and set my wrongs, right (woohoo, look at the mess I created! oh yeah!)  Like somewhere I have looked to answer the mysteries of life...found no answers...all the while, life has been life.  There has been no easy fix...no short cuts...no windfalls...no magic tricks, no disappearing acts..etc etc etc.  Now that I am ready for new beginnings...a couple of aspects of my past keep coming back up; dealing with those aspects will help me feel the sense of complete freedom.  The are not major or significant..but non the less, still there for me to deal with and face.  I am now ready to do such.  May take me years...who knows..but I am ready to mend it all.

New Beginnings!!! 

I can however say, that the past few days have been amazing!  I'm making progress on my new contract, and that definitely gives me a sense of accomplishment and upliftment.  The weather has been great...and I am feeling that wonderful energy of new beginnings that spring always seems to carry.  Great time to start over!

Maybe my next blog post will be a bit more clear...

Much love to you All,

Kero

xoxoxoxo

PS-The first song at the top is one of my Favs...feel the energy to feel why I included it on this post-enjoy (smile)

I love the night sky!!!

I don't know exactly how, why, when or what...

I was outside one night, about two weeks ago, just staring at the sky.  It was very very quiet, and still.  I just kept looking at the sky and admiring it's mystery, it's depth and magnificence.  I all of a sudden felt my heart skip a beat (or two).  I felt butterflies in my stomach...and my face slightly flushed and warm against the night's coolness.  For some reason, I then recalled all the times I had experienced what I define as "human love".  That wonderful feeling when one meets someone new and falls in love.  Such a sweet, sweet ecstasy.  Yet, there is no one new in my life.  I haven't even been on a date in a few years!!!  LOL
  

I absorbed such a wonderful sense of love that night and realized, I am complete and whole and accepting of the love of Self.  I continued to breath the wonderful nightly air...and acknowledge the beautiful gift it is to be on Earth.

I gave thanks to whoever or whatever was listening that night, as I whispered into the ether.  I especially gave much gratitude to my Soul Self...my Higher Self, the God within who has guided me on this journey...as well as nudged me to stop and feel that night, the Universal Love and all the elementals swarming around me.

I've been staring a lot at the nightly sky for the past two weeks. Going outside in the middle of the night. Everything looks so close...so, so close by.  The sky concave, as if one is in some made up World, like the movie Truman Show.  I extend my hand out, because it feels like I can just reach up and touch the stars.  The moon seems to stare back at me, adorned with a Halo.  I stare at the energetic mist, and it pulsates, radiates, and changes it's vibration.  Each night being one with the sky, and carrying that feeling of Universal love with me, as I go back inside.

Dedicated to the Higher Self (God within) from the Self

I included the song Halo on this post.  When I hear this song...I feel like my Human Self is singing to my Higher Self.  Like a recent conversation we would have face to face...yet I do feel, I am my Higher Self.  I am, ever so grateful for the intuitive nudges (sometimes shoves and pushes-haha) that has brought me to the point of believing, I can experience once again the trust, to openly love.  Something happened being outside at night...not sure what or how, but I'm in love...with it all (at least today, I am). 


I am Carol

WHAT? FOR ME? WOW!!!

Learning to Receive

It started December 4th, 2010.  It has been a few years since I've cared whether or not it is/was my birthday.  I'm not one who thinks Ones age is significant.  I generally forget my own.  Somehow I keep thinking I'm somewhere in my late twenties...yet at the same time, I've always felt somewhat of an older person that has somehow been trapped in a body many years younger.  It may not make any sense to anyone but me (might be why my acquaintances and even romantic relationships are usually with those 12+ yrs older-haha).  And generally my birthday is just another day.  Except this last one was a bit differant.  And embarked something new for me.

It started with a celebration on Facebook, with my beloved Margo and Adam, Belinda, etc.  I was soooo surprised!!!  I was!  And such kind words that were said to me.  With a few tears of joy and celebration...I opened to the wishes and love my beloved ones sent to me.  I woke in the morning with a beautiful e-card from Michaelena and a wonderful kiss and hug from my son.  Me, for me...I just couldn't believe it!  And the night ended with some relatives gathering at my parents home for dinner.

A day or two passed, and I received an email still sending me birthday wishes, from someone I least expected!  I couldn't believe it.  One, who I had so desired in the past to spontaneously send me wishes..now nearly 10yrs later (now married and with kids) my desire is somewhat fulfilled (God either has a sick sense of humor, or I wasn't specific in my request-LOL).

Leading towards Christmas...I received a beautiful silver, crystal pendant from the wonderful human angel, Pat, who I generally buy my jewelry from.  Since the time of my unemployment, I have not gone to see her or make any purchases from her...yet, she took the time to select a beautiful gift for me!!  For me!  Something, so unexpected and for me...i just couldn't believe it!   Then, right after Christmas, I received a package.  In this package was a gorgeous new journal, and the most amazing Oracle cards I have ever seen.  For me!  I just couldn't believe it.  I feel so blessed, and so grateful.

I went to lunch in Berkeley...and I didn't pay for lunch.  And I actually felt so grateful and appreciative.  It was also the first time that I just allowed another to cover the tab without armwrestling for it.  I never do that.  I always make sure that in no way, I burden anyone.  This to me was also a totally unexpected, wonderful gift.

Last weekend, while I was just starting with my cold/flu episode...I missed a family gathering to celebrate my cousin's birthday.  My son and parents went however.  When they returned home...my Mother handed me a gift from my cousin.  Two beautiful dichroic glass pendants.  The colors and patterns on these pendants are mesmorizing.  So beautiful.  For me!!!  I can't believe it!  A gift for me!

I don't even know how to explain the significance of this for me.  I almost never get gifts, and the few times I do, because someone feels obligated to (like just because it's my birthday-and I usually get some cash)  

For once, the gift giver, Me...is learning how, and opening up, to receive (smile).

I feel ever so grateful...thank you everyone, truly from my heart <3

With much Love and Gratitude,

Carol

I AM SICK WITH A COLD!!! ARRRGHH!

I woke up with a cold/flu!!!!!  I can't believe it!  It feels like forever since I've had a cold.  It's probably been a year, but it feels like a lifetime ago.  I despise colds.  Yes, Yes..it serves, it serves, it serves.  And yes, yes...we experience both ends of the poles..sick/well, happy/unhappy, etc etc etc.  This too shall pass, and I will be well again.

It's been a while since I've not listened...but I will admit that the body gave me signs days ago, and I choose to ignore them.  I really wanted to finish transforming my space, so I could completely unpack and not feel like I'm living out of a suitcase.  Even with my leg muscles sore, arms sore and hands hurting from pulling carpet staples out of the floor...I pushed on!  I did.  

I also become very aware of the fact that I am way out of shape.  Not a good thing.  It's been months since I've done any yoga..no walks outside..nada..zilch!!!  So as the soreness crept in, I told myself that I would stop this bullshit of ascension symptoms, and the energetics kicking my ass so bad that I can't go take care of my body.  I am not going to disagree that some downloads can knock me on my ass some days...but it's not everyday!  I am not surprised physically that I developed a cold!

Yesterday morning when I was still cold/flu less, I did wake up with an overwhelming sense of wanting to go back to work!  WTF!!!  Here I am, being...enjoying the sense of freedom for the past 4 months, and all of a sudden i want back in!  Nov/Dec was a damn rollercoaster ride, and letting go of my place...and now that that is over, released, let go of things to the humph degree, I want to go back???  I felt ready, and ready to go back with a new zest for life, gratitude, integrations..etc  Yet, I am not getting any responses to my resumes.  None.  But to be honest...i am not surprised either.

Root of the Issue...

I looked within...actually I did more of a step out, to look at what was going on, and why now this sense of wanting to go back to work?  Why am I not trusting that All is well, and everything will manifest in divine timing?  It took me a bit to consciously acknowledge this morning while I couldn't breathe from a stuffy nose.. it's about finances.  Yup, yup..hahaha oh well!!!  It's been worth it!  And of course the mind reminds me of all the places I want to explore on this beautiful Earth, that at the present moment I am not going to, because I made other choices...and will wait for the potentials to come back around.

Root Chakra is blocked from job and finance concerns, soooo, I wake up with a cold totally congested..go figure!!!!

Conscious and Aware

I still get caught at times in my own mental traps...yet I am sure acknowledging; being conscious and aware, are my golden tickets to being well from my cold/flu, and of course anything else in my life.

Flip the coin...

On the bright side...what gives me a big smile even with a cold, is I'm almost done with my project!!!!!

-Mom's clutter and ugly furniture out of the room-DONE

-New Closet organizer-DONE

-Room painted "cool sky" blue-DONE

-Ugly, oppressive carpet removed-DONE

-Laminate floors installed-DONE

-New baseboards-paint should be dry in the morning! (can't wait to play with the nail gun-woohoo)

Looks like February starts out with me personalizing my space w/furniture and accessories..and totally unpacking...I can't wait!!!

All Is Well in the Universe!!!!!! (sniffle)

Carol

Could it Be Just a Dream?

Is it All Just a Dream?


I've been getting lost in painting the room my parents graciously have let me occupy.  I'm just about ready to move onto re-doing the floors...and I somehow got lost in thoughts and daydreams...


As I stop for a moment and take a bit of a brake...I flashed on years ago when I saw the movie the Sixth Sense..or whatever it was called when the kid can see spirits/ghosts.  I remember when I saw this movie and the difficult phase I was in at that time in my life.  I once again was in one of the phases wondering if there was more to life...if there was more!  And the synchronicities came into play to where I went to go see this movie.


Though I don't like to admit certain things, I do remember feeling uncomfortable from that movie and it did trigger some childhood memories and not liking things that "go bump in the night"...but what made a huge impact on me, was that feeling of life being one big misunderstanding and being in just a dream. 


I don't know how many times this lifetime, I have felt that nothing is real...it's all like some kind of crazy fucked up dream.  I remember in the movie, those scenes towards the end when the doctor flashes back on the past few days events, and how he interpreted peoples actions and reactions to him...and then "waking up" to realize that he was already dead and had misinterpeted what was going on and why his wife reacted and said what she did.  Talk about the understanding in the sayings "You create your own reality!"


I don't know how many times this lifetime I have felt the same.  I don't know how many times I have wondered and have whispered to the ethers my question "Am I already dead and in a made up world, like a dream...acting and reacting to people and events that truly aren't there, or isn't real?"  Is it all an illusion made up from my mind being projected?  

Almost like when I ponder if I might be deaf and only believe I can hear because no one has ever told me I'm deaf...but that I can leave to another crazy blog post..haha

I don't even know if this post makes sense...since it is more of an internal feeling and very difficult for me to express in words.  Sometimes I look at people around me..and feel truly no one is really there...

Changing Dreams...


I also recall a time when I was inundated with nightmares as a child.  I couldn't sleep (i still have issues sleeping...bump in the night fears!).  I had watched some public program about being able to change your nightmares...like take control and turn them around.  I became very mastered at it, and even today I can become somewhat conscious in a dream and turn a nightmare around.


Then I wonder...if this is a dream that I call "awake", why have I not been able to instantly change the "nightmare"?  Why does it not seem so instant to change an unpleasantry into pleasant?


I'm not sure the answer, but I shall try to consciously change things around and dream pleasant dreams...


Kero

Home is Where the Heart Is?!??!??

I had a wonderful day today.  Went off to Berkeley (I did get lost for a bit, but I finally made it..hahaha)  to meet a new friend for lunch.  The weather was decent...the food was good, and the conversation was wonderful to hear.  I really loved hearing anothers experiences and stories.  It was so refreshing.  I had a deep heart felt desire that it would last longer...but the Universe reminded me "this too shall pass", and the time came to end such a lovely time and go home.


I didn't want to go home.  I didn't!  I drove and drove wanting to go anywhere but home.  As I continued driving, I flashed on some time ago, when I had "issues" when it came to going home..No, not when I lived with my parents...but even after, when I lived alone.  I much preferred people watching, long nights outs...day trips and road trips..I'd spend days away from home...anything to not sit around and be home.   

It's interesting...I had earlier in the day had mentioned that I liked this less active social life I have had for the past three years...but maybe the truth is, that I am ready to no longer be the hermit type and go back "outside to play" again.  Hard part is, so much has changed within myself, that I would have to re-discover things I would like to go do.  I've come too far to which I can't go back to how it was...even if i tried..so what I may have enjoyed in the past, I might not now...know what I mean? I'm sure there is some pattern here, but I don't feel like looking at it.

I drove to Home Depot for more paint...yet I couldn't figure out where else to go from there.

As I pulled up in front of my parents house...I actually felt a bit down.  Not enough to "rain on my parade" of such a wonderful lunch time...but "that" slight sadness was there and I don't really know why.  I had that almost overwhelming desire to drive anywhere but here...like drive straight to Colorado or something and not come back for a few weeks.

I have always heard that home is where the heart is.  So, I interpret that, that no matter where I am...I am home..for my heart resides in my being.  But what causes this slight melancholy and the feeling of not wanting to walk thru the door?

I wonder if part of this feeling has to do just with the desire to be outside...and the desire to be around wonderful people like I was with today.  And that overwhelming feeling that where I belong is not here...but it is here on Earth, if that makes any sense.  No where, but wanting to be everywhere that resonates, and with those that I resonate with.  I don't know if that is a judgement, per se, of not accepting All...but it's how I feel in this moment.

I am hoping today has brought into my awareness that it's time for me to start living again...and not just existing.  What I was defining as a  time of respid, seems to have played out long enough.  Which, just writing the last sentence, shifts my spirits and brings the sense of anticipation...in a good way.

Regardless, I smile from such a wonderful day...and shall float away on that good feeling...


Kero
xoxoxo

I Feel Warm Again!

It's been cold...damn cold.  I can feel it in my bones.  My knees hurt, my feet are cold.  I wonder at times, is it cold or is my body giving me some nudges and reminders of it's age?  

Am I cold hearted?  It could be that I'm not loving or being in Self love, so it manifests as a cold body.  Am I dead!?!  Hmmm, maybe I'm not letting in more of my soul self...my essence that has kept me warm and sweater less for quite some time now.  Just like when ones essence leaves the shell body after the human death.

I become aware of my thoughts..rambling on and on...complaining, and focusing on and on about the cold.  I say "fine, I'll just wear a jacket...".  Yet the confinement by a puffy jacket, 24/7 suffocates me.

I then hear Self tell me..."cold is an illusion...".  I repeat it over and over as I drift off to sleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night...taking off my sweater...frantically tugging off my socks.  Sticking one leg out from under the covers...Ohhhhh YES!!! WARMTH!!!!  I get up and turn off the heater...YES! YES!  And so I go back to bed for round two of some sleep!

Finally I wake up with a smile!  

As I go out in the back yard, for my morning coffee and smoke...I'm welcomed by the Sun and it's magnificent rays.  My beloved one that I had not seen for weeks!!  The most beautiful morning present!  I haven't been aware of such a lovely present in years.  I shall keep some of this sunshine in my etheric pocket of consciousness, to pull out when I need a reminder of home and a smile!! 

Thank you dear Universe, I feel warm again. I know I'll be alright :)

Carol

xoxoxo

I Just Don't Know

Dear God,

I don't believe I've ever written to you.  But for some reason, I just felt like it at this moment.  I wonder about you Dear God, I do.  I wonder if you truly know who I am, if you really do know my name or even have knowledge of what I am, what reality I've created for myself.  At times I envision being a cell in your body.  I do not know the name of the cells in my body, even though I am aware that there are billions.  I do know they have their own level of consciousness and that when many aren't vibrating harmoniously, something just won't feel right to me in my body.  Is that how Earth is to you?  Like a chakra within your own being, when things just aren't harmonious, something just doesn't feel right in your being?  But that doesn't necessarily mean that you know each and every individual one cell, does it?  I really don't know.

Things haven't been right in my life as of late Dear God.  I don't quite know what happened.  I go back and back in my memory bank to try to understand where I may have gone wrong. To be aware. Was there a crossroad that I may have taken somehow the wrong turn?  I can't find the answer for some reason.  It's been three long years since that time of what many define the "awakening", It's been three years, and right when I feel that the synchronicities are leading me back to a path much more suited for me...something happens, and now I feel that not only have I re-traced my steps in my memory bank, somehow I re-traced them literally back three years.

It's not exactly the same...this time there are no 'phenomenons' of flashing lights, of crystals sounds, or butterflies manifesting in mid-air right in front of my eyes.  This time, there are no prophecies, no prophetic dreams, or any audio giving words here and there, or hints of what may be down a short way.  I question if I may have fallen for some trap-something created from my own mind, or seeked the wrong kind of light that has lead me to once again "go to sleep".  If it's not sleep, maybe to at least take a "nap"...but again, I really don't know.  I don't want to be in judgement that things now have to be what once was.  I do understand that the was, can no longer be.  It has all changed.

It must be some nap, or some sleep state.  But I can't decide if it's just a dream or a nightmare...all I know, is that it just is.  I do know that it all seems foreign to me, this mystery; this unknown; and I am uneasy with it.  I don't know anything though I have spent three years "seeking".  Seeking for understanding, seeking for answers, seeking for Self, and seeking you.  My perspective shattered, then reformed, and once again all has been shattered.  My dreams, my hopes, that "ummph" which got me back up to dust off, just doesn't seem there anymore.  When will i wake up?  when will i wake up with a sigh of relief, that it was nothing more, than a 15min dream?

I feel all alone again.  Even more than ever before.  I've isolated myself in these three years.  

I feel shattered and fragmented more than ever before...and I just for some reason, don't have the energy as before to pick up the pieces and move on.  It's even indicated in my current move and packing.  I stare and stare, and i don't know each moment where to finish, where to begin or even if i will finish in time.  Makes me wonder if I am supposed to just leave it all, and walk away?  I've always been impulsive, and get "the job done".  And for some reason, this time, I don't even know what the job is.

Nothing can be how it was, it changes and evolves.  I don't know what was, what will be...all I know, is I believe it's just, All there is...

Take Care,

Carol

Breaking Free from Self Made Cage

 

Self Made Cage...

Few days have now passed.  Time has expanded a bit, to which I can now pack up my apartment with a bit more ease and grace, instead of like some night time robber trying to get as much as I can out in flash of a moment (Hurry! Grab the valuables!!!).  I have also allowed the human emotions of fear, guilt, shame, terror...etc etc etc to move.  Now transmuted, I can once again be centered and view this experience for what it is...from another expanded perspective.  The reality is, I had created a cage for myself.

 My self made cage is a lovely cage, very comfortable cage, indeed!  Which is why I didn't want to see it as a cage.  I love living where I live.  However, due to the financial flow that I am currently moving, I could not explore anything else, but my cage.  The door is open to this cage, it always had been, no one had "trapped" me here, but me.

We are where we are at 'cause of the choices we make...and my choices have not always included investments or a nice "cush" for times like now.  I prefer to purchase Gucci products then Gucci stock!!!  I have always moved the energy of money like tomorrow will never come, yet tomorrow does come into my reality.  This is not a judgment, per se, just a realization and an opportunity to be aware of a pattern/belief that obviously no longer serves me.  

When I realize how I have been living for the past two months, it really wasn't freedom, and I confided and isolated in my comfortable golden cage.  I paid the rent, but then I couldn't do anything else.  No movies, no dinner out...even juggled between groceries and utilities.  I was even advised to have some energy work done to assist in clearing the aura after the Oct./Nov mass release, but yet could not do that.  Even a trip to the nearby water wasn't possible, because i had to chose a few trips to the reservoir or have enough gas to take my son to school.

Kicking and Screaming

I definately was going kicking and screaming.  Was it the big EGO?  Probably!  There is a lot to be said of having your own space and not live under someone else's roof.  I shall miss walk-in closets, walking around in my boxers, and not being cold.  Great thing however, is at least during moments of needing to be grounded, I can at least drive to the reservoir for a walk and some alone time.  I can take my son and have some moments of amusement that we know that we enjoy, then being restricted indoors all the time.

I shall keep pressing forward, even if I am walking backwards with an etheric Fuck You to the Heavens, and an Adieu to the past. 

Freedom 

I'm starting to once again in this moment, feel a sense of freedom.  I don't know how long that will last, but for now it feels good.  I can feel the possible potentials lurking around the corner.  What those potentials are, I do not know.  However, I feel that feeling freed from my cage, attracts more of the essence of freedom. 

Being able to be more free and financially do more of what I enjoy, will also bring more joy.  It's not that I wasn't content in my cage, by all means...but I now can feel that not doing joyful things, not feeling free to explore, etc would keep me in that place of neutrality and somewhat in limbo.

Destination Unknown

What happens from here...I don't know.  For the moment I'm heading towards my parent's home.  Who knows, maybe to practice being centered and see the God within everyone.  Learn to remain centered in the mist of negativity, alcoholism, gossip, and whatever else is in the cesspool of shit in that house.  Thank God I'll have gas money to go somewhere if the stench gets too strong, or my Dad's yelling gets to intolerable.

I'm hoping to be pleasantly surprised that it will be the most wonderful, joyous experience, and totally unexpected.

I'm ready for a new beginning!  Even if starting this new journey entails going out of my comfort for a bit.  Small sacrifice to make when the potential outcome is to be totally free!!!

Love,
Carol

The Writing on the Wall...Uhemm Door

It started with a Noise I couldn't ignore

After a delightful phone call this morning...and answered a few emails.  My surroundings all of a sudden changed.  I felt some energetic shift.  It seemed like some glitch in the matrix, for a split second something happened.  I don't know exactly what that was.  I looked up from my computer screen.  All sounds seemed amplified in that moment.  I could hear a neighbor moving..a lawn mower somewhere in the distance, the BART train was speeding by.  The air in the room at the moment seemed to just stop and be immobile, and I felt that I could feel the vibrations of these sounds just intensify in my body.  WTF?  "What is that?" I asked.  


I quieted down my own breathing to "hear" further...when I heard some weird type of scratching sound on the door.  WTF? x 2.  My heart starting beating.  The sound resonated throughout, I even felt it on my teeth, like a screeching chalk on a chalkboard.  Like sound effects in a movie to get the audience to get "the point" of the importance of such sound.  That noise that is loud yet seems to be muffled inside some dark, dark tunnel.  Time at that moment seemed to be at a standstill 'til I was ready to continue to breathe.


I took a deep breath and looked at my dog.  Asleep he was!  Why didn't he bark?  Did he not hear a noise?  Is the noise just a figment of my imagination?  As I ask myself these questions, I can hear the echoing taps of heels on concrete...clink, clink-clink, clink-clink, clink, clink-clink...to a fade, then disappeared.  Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it was something to just be ignored.


The energy in the air was just too stagnet!!!  I was starting to feel like I just couldn't breathe!!  Something changed and just not right.  I felt nudged to look at the door...and there it was!

Writing on the Wall...(door) 

There it was...taped to my door, The Notice.  I closed my eyes before reading The Notice.  I wanted to be able to say to Self, that I attempted to change my reality down to the last second!  I closed the door and read The Notice.  My heart sunk deep somewhere within.  To some abyss to go gather some kind of incredible strength to emerge back up with some tremendous fierceness in some sick attempt to explode thru my chest.  A thousand radios stations seemed to go off in my head, all tuned to different stations from all over the World.   I tried my best to focus on The Notice, to at least understand what I am in for.

Waiting for the Explosion

The Notice kindly informed me that I have three days.  Three days.  The Mind kindly informed me "Bet you wished you would've Master time by now...".  My Heart just fiercely clobbered me inside my chest.  I just wished it would explode and be done with it.  My ears hurt, my heart hurts, and my legs all of a sudden got wobbly.  Is this my moment of death?  Do peoples legs buckle out from under them moments before they die?

My head swarmed and for an instant I thought I would nearly faint.  The vibrations in the moment were too intense...I internally screamed "I just can't handle this!!!!"  Now my brain seemed like it also wanted to explode right thru the crown...ohhhhh dear, the pressure!!!

Petrified in Fear...

At some moment, Medusa walked in.  Or maybe The Notice was Medusa in disguise.  I am not sure, but as I sat down to keep from collapsing onto the ground, I realized I was engulfed in terror and fear.  Me?  WTH!!!  

How could something so insignificant as The Notice all of a sudden put me in some state of fear?  I don't quite know, but I sat there petrified.  I couldn't move!  A stone statue on the couch, unable to move!!!  Great, now the pigeons can shit on me!!!  My heart beating-"Please just explode, MY GOD!"  Oh dear, I have to MOVE!!!  off the couch and out of this place...can't do that if like a dumb ass i remain petrified in fear!!!  So not like me, but here it was, ME.

Time..Time..see what becomes of me...

I pick up Daniel from school...give him the news...and embrace myself for my beloved sons reactions.  All the meanwhile my legs shake and the radio stations in my head just don't stop the horrific noise!!!  Every sound is amplified SO LOUD, I just want to puke.  I sit still for a bit and close my eyes...the swirl of colors, and sounds and images coming and going!!!  And the Nothing/Void just seemed to spin and spin.  Felt like a night of one too many drinks when the room just won't stop spinning even with your eyes closed!!! 

When I slammed open my eyes, I realized I fell asleep!!  How the fuck could that be possible???  Time, Time, I need to master it like quick, to MOVE out IN TIME!!!!  I don't have a box to pack, I don't have tape...urrrrrgghhhhh I missed getting to the store IN TIME before they close!!!!  TIME, TIME, ILLUSION OF TIME...I FUCKING HATE U!!

Pocket Full of Cliches... 

At the moment I have no uplifting words to Self.  I have a pocket full of positive and spiritual cliches...yet to put a smile on my face seems fake to me.  To stand in my integrity and own truth, I can only honestly say..."I don't know what is truth..."  Somehow I missed being put into some mold of mass consciousness...and somehow I just don't fit the mold of these esoteric philosophies either...

I AM...unmolded (and scrambling for Two days...)

~Carol