Search This Blog

December 18, 2010

Breaking Free from Self Made Cage

Self Made Cage...

Few days have now passed.  Time has expanded a bit, to which I can now pack up my apartment with a bit more ease and grace, instead of like some night time robber trying to get as much as I can out in flash of a moment (Hurry! Grab the valuables!!!).  I have also allowed the human emotions of fear, guilt, shame, terror...etc etc etc to move.  Now transmuted, I can once again be centered and view this experience for what it is...from another expanded perspective.  The reality is, I had created a cage for myself.



 My self made cage is a lovely cage, very comfortable cage, indeed!  Which is why I didn't want to see it as a cage.  I love living where I live.  However, due to the financial flow that I am currently moving, I could not explore anything else, but my cage.  The door is open to this cage, it always had been, no one had "trapped" me here, but me.

We are where we are at 'cause of the choices we make...and my choices have not always included investments or a nice "cush" for times like now.  I prefer to purchase Gucci products then Gucci stock!!!  I have always moved the energy of money like tomorrow will never come, yet tomorrow does come into my reality.  This is not a judgment, per se, just a realization and an opportunity to be aware of a pattern/belief that obviously no longer serves me.  

When I realize how I have been living for the past two months, it really wasn't freedom, and I confided and isolated in my comfortable golden cage.  I paid the rent, but then I couldn't do anything else.  No movies, no dinner out...even juggled between groceries and utilities.  I was even advised to have some energy work done to assist in clearing the aura after the Oct./Nov mass release, but yet could not do that.  Even a trip to the nearby water wasn't possible, because i had to chose a few trips to the reservoir or have enough gas to take my son to school.


Kicking and Screaming

I definately was going kicking and screaming.  Was it the big EGO?  Probably!  There is a lot to be said of having your own space and not live under someone else's roof.  I shall miss walk-in closets, walking around in my boxers, and not being cold.  Great thing however, is at least during moments of needing to be grounded, I can at least drive to the reservoir for a walk and some alone time.  I can take my son and have some moments of amusement that we know that we enjoy, then being restricted indoors all the time.

I shall keep pressing forward, even if I am walking backwards with an etheric Fuck You to the Heavens, and an Adieu to the past. 



Freedom 

I'm starting to once again in this moment, feel a sense of freedom.  I don't know how long that will last, but for now it feels good.  I can feel the possible potentials lurking around the corner.  What those potentials are, I do not know.  However, I feel that feeling freed from my cage, attracts more of the essence of freedom. 

Being able to be more free and financially do more of what I enjoy, will also bring more joy.  It's not that I wasn't content in my cage, by all means...but I now can feel that not doing joyful things, not feeling free to explore, etc would keep me in that place of neutrality and somewhat in limbo.



Destination Unknown

What happens from here...I don't know.  For the moment I'm heading towards my parent's home.  Who knows, maybe to practice being centered and see the God within everyone.  Learn to remain centered in the mist of negativity, alcoholism, gossip, and whatever else is in the cesspool of shit in that house.  Thank God I'll have gas money to go somewhere if the stench gets too strong, or my Dad's yelling gets to intolerable.

I'm hoping to be pleasantly surprised that it will be the most wonderful, joyous experience, and totally unexpected.




I'm ready for a new beginning!  Even if starting this new journey entails going out of my comfort for a bit.  Small sacrifice to make when the potential outcome is to be totally free!!!

Love,
Carol


December 15, 2010

The Writing on the Wall...Uhemm Door

It started with a Noise I couldn't ignore

After a delightful phone call this morning...and answered a few emails.  My surroundings all of a sudden changed.  I felt some energetic shift.  It seemed like some glitch in the matrix, for a split second something happened.  I don't know exactly what that was.  I looked up from my computer screen.  All sounds seemed amplified in that moment.  I could hear a neighbor moving..a lawn mower somewhere in the distance, the BART train was speeding by.  The air in the room at the moment seemed to just stop and be immobile, and I felt that I could feel the vibrations of these sounds just intensify in my body.  WTF?  "What is that?" I asked.  


I quieted down my own breathing to "hear" further...when I heard some weird type of scratching sound on the door.  WTF? x 2.  My heart starting beating.  The sound resonated throughout, I even felt it on my teeth, like a screeching chalk on a chalkboard.  Like sound effects in a movie to get the audience to get "the point" of the importance of such sound.  That noise that is loud yet seems to be muffled inside some dark, dark tunnel.  Time at that moment seemed to be at a standstill 'til I was ready to continue to breathe.


I took a deep breath and looked at my dog.  Asleep he was!  Why didn't he bark?  Did he not hear a noise?  Is the noise just a figment of my imagination?  As I ask myself these questions, I can hear the echoing taps of heels on concrete...clink, clink-clink, clink-clink, clink, clink-clink...to a fade, then disappeared.  Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it was something to just be ignored.


The energy in the air was just too stagnet!!!  I was starting to feel like I just couldn't breathe!!  Something changed and just not right.  I felt nudged to look at the door...and there it was!




Writing on the Wall...(door) 

There it was...taped to my door, The Notice.  I closed my eyes before reading The Notice.  I wanted to be able to say to Self, that I attempted to change my reality down to the last second!  I closed the door and read The Notice.  My heart sunk deep somewhere within.  To some abyss to go gather some kind of incredible strength to emerge back up with some tremendous fierceness in some sick attempt to explode thru my chest.  A thousand radios stations seemed to go off in my head, all tuned to different stations from all over the World.   I tried my best to focus on The Notice, to at least understand what I am in for.



Waiting for the Explosion

The Notice kindly informed me that I have three days.  Three days.  The Mind kindly informed me "Bet you wished you would've Master time by now...".  My Heart just fiercely clobbered me inside my chest.  I just wished it would explode and be done with it.  My ears hurt, my heart hurts, and my legs all of a sudden got wobbly.  Is this my moment of death?  Do peoples legs buckle out from under them moments before they die?

My head swarmed and for an instant I thought I would nearly faint.  The vibrations in the moment were too intense...I internally screamed "I just can't handle this!!!!"  Now my brain seemed like it also wanted to explode right thru the crown...ohhhhh dear, the pressure!!!

Petrified in Fear...

At some moment, Medusa walked in.  Or maybe The Notice was Medusa in disguise.  I am not sure, but as I sat down to keep from collapsing onto the ground, I realized I was engulfed in terror and fear.  Me?  WTH!!!  



How could something so insignificant as The Notice all of a sudden put me in some state of fear?  I don't quite know, but I sat there petrified.  I couldn't move!  A stone statue on the couch, unable to move!!!  Great, now the pigeons can shit on me!!!  My heart beating-"Please just explode, MY GOD!"  Oh dear, I have to MOVE!!!  off the couch and out of this place...can't do that if like a dumb ass i remain petrified in fear!!!  So not like me, but here it was, ME.


Time..Time..see what becomes of me...

I pick up Daniel from school...give him the news...and embrace myself for my beloved sons reactions.  All the meanwhile my legs shake and the radio stations in my head just don't stop the horrific noise!!!  Every sound is amplified SO LOUD, I just want to puke.  I sit still for a bit and close my eyes...the swirl of colors, and sounds and images coming and going!!!  And the Nothing/Void just seemed to spin and spin.  Felt like a night of one too many drinks when the room just won't stop spinning even with your eyes closed!!! 

When I slammed open my eyes, I realized I fell asleep!!  How the fuck could that be possible???  Time, Time, I need to master it like quick, to MOVE out IN TIME!!!!  I don't have a box to pack, I don't have tape...urrrrrgghhhhh I missed getting to the store IN TIME before they close!!!!  TIME, TIME, ILLUSION OF TIME...I FUCKING HATE U!!


Pocket Full of Cliches... 

At the moment I have no uplifting words to Self.  I have a pocket full of positive and spiritual cliches...yet to put a smile on my face seems fake to me.  To stand in my integrity and own truth, I can only honestly say..."I don't know what is truth..."  Somehow I missed being put into some mold of mass consciousness...and somehow I just don't fit the mold of these esoteric philosophies either...

I AM...unmolded (and scrambling for Two days...)

~Carol