Cut the tension with a Knife!!!!
Tension is riding high in this household. The parents argue and argue. I've been trying to hide in my room...the energy in the air gets so thick with tension, you can cut it with a knife!!! I have unfortunately been caught a few times in the cross fire. Being sharp with the tongue myself-I've lashed out, said what I have to say..then go back in my room.
I find it interesting though. How can a couple be married 30 odd some years and live this way day-in and day-out? First few months living here wasn't too bad. I wonder if "they" tried keeping it on the low, and now that there is a comfort level as time has past of me being here...the shit of words gets slung a lot more readily. Hmmm, I wonder. First few times, was not a big deal to me...but it can be difficult being the observer, just watching while eating seeds, if you will. (or popcorn, whatever you fancy watching the drama).
After the first few times; I find it sickening even to just hear...I get a huge lump in my throat and my solar plex area gets really really tight. To me these arguments seem so insignificant...anger being expressed just by a simple question not being answered as expected..etc etc. While in my room, I take a deep breath (more like 20 deep breaths!)...and shift into that space between the sacred silence and sleep..(how many times can I chant OOOoHHHHmmmmm...LOL).
Childhood Memories...
I can't help but flash on to some childhood memories during these times. Images and scenarios play back in my mind...and definitely not on demand. I'd rather keep the past where it belongs...in the past. But the great Mind at times has been triggered into some sort of recall...of the constant yelling and screaming. The constant verbal abuse and sense of humiliation.
I recall the numerous times I just wanted to scream back...yet didn't, to avoid the potential of physical punishment. My heart beating, my faced flushed, my legs shaking in the moment I was going against my own will..and not screaming out to just "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!". And I recall how well in the teenage years I was able to endure such treatment, while standing straight as a soldier...with an expressionless poker face, gulping spit and air down to suppress any anger, pain and any possible tears; while toughening up that wall. "Go ahead, sling the shit my way!!! I won't feel it anyway!!! I've built a great wall" Definitely wasn't standing behind the short wall...but what did I know back then?
My own relationships
I also can't help, but reflect on my own romantic relationships of the past. Just about everyone one (except maybe one); all had the dysfunctional element of verbal abuse. Though most of the time...I was the one enduring the abuse...I would be dishonest, if I didn't say that occasionally I played the role of the abuser. Especially when I just couldn't stand the name calling anymore (even landed a weekend in jail from it!!! oh well! live and learn).
It's interesting though. I question how my parents can live this way day-in and day-out...but I have done the same in the past. Obviously not for 30 years...but for at least a couple of years at a time. Why? Mostly because I felt that not "accepting" other's anger management issues...or just "accepting" meant that I was not a loving and an all accepting person. I had no regards of putting the love and respect of self first! Boy, that awareness sure is a tough growing pain (OUCH!)
There was always the intuitive signs that it was time for me to leave..yet I remained. Bonded and chained by no one but that of the ego and Self...and mixed with the fear of not getting what I want and fear of losing what i have. With no regards that by staying the only thing lost was Self. One always has choices...and the choice of not choosing; isn't always the best for me. Now, I am more in tune with my intuition, and believe I would leave sooner than later...and the first signs of dysfunction will have me screaming for the door, then playing an all loving, all encompassing martyr. At least I believe so, but not quite sure 'til I am in the midst of such experience.
Sexual Energy Virus
Though I am a big advocate on the positive, healthy use of balanced sexual energy and it's creativity (I choose to call it making love vs just having sex-I personally have only experienced the latter)...I do wonder how much of the dysfunction I see and have even experienced has to do with the sexual energy virus and the imbalance of masculine/feminine energies? I don't want to necessarily get into that discussion on this blog post..for I feel it deserves it's own thread.
I do however feel, that the yelling...a form of controlling another's emotions...does indeed relate to some very deep soul imprinting..not only that which has been imprinted during times spent in the realms some call Heaven..but also during incarnations on Earth, such as during the pre-Lemurian times/realms in the Land of Pan.
How do you own disorder?
Though in the past few months, I have not been desirous or willing to go into deep analysis as I used to...but I can't help but wonder how do I own this current environment? I am a true believer that what manifests in the exterior, is a reflection of what is in One's interior. Is there still argument, fear, control issues, and anger within my Being that I have yet allowed to surface? How do I own this disorder, even if it is being played out by the parents? I do believe all is an inside job...and the change we wish to see in the our exterior World, must first change within.(though simply doing a conversion to 7.0 on the parents would be damn nice!!!-hahaha)
I am not sure of the answers...but I do know that which is being reflected is something that I do not wish to have in my life. My desire is peace, harmony and the reality of not only the love of self...but that the love of self being reflected back to me..does that make sense? And this could all be playing out to realize that I am just not there yet..of truly, and completely loving mySelf.
Breaking the Pattern-Breaking Free
I would totally love to break free from such a lifestyle and pattern. I hope I will be able to. Not being in a romantic relationship in this now moment..I don't know if I would fall back into such dynamics. I really don't know. Though I would hope, at this point in my life, I wouldn't even attract such dysfunction, to even have to deal with it. But who knows?
I have never experienced a relationship where both; love each other truly from the heart. Not ever experiencing such, I can't really say if it is even possible. I haven't even witnessed it as an observer, to even know if indeed it is possible. And not just in reference to the romantic..but in all those I relate with (family friends, co-workers, etc etc ) I feel in my heart and my own imagination; I believe all is possible, but just have not experienced such...yet! I do hope, that I do experience it, at least once, this lifetime. Love indeed is real...even if everything else is just some fucked up illusion.
Shifting Vibrations...
In the mean time...I have been working on shifting my vibrations. It is very easy for me to go back into my own patterns and cycles of doubling up the surface of the wall, and in essence denying the current tension in the household. I don't just want to go into the usual survival mode and pretend that it has nothing to do with me...ignore the potential reflection of Self in this..but I also don't want to wallow in it either.
I find there is more to this than I may even currently be aware of at the moment. I truly believe it is more than just shrugging the shoulders and saying.."...it's not about me, let them deal with it..". Though in essence it is true..it's the parent's interaction and relationship...it is hard for me to explain. I can't control or change the perspective of another...I can only work on Self.
I am not in denial of the reflection...but do know that I am in control of my own vibrations...and other than dodge the energetic bullets by just "hiding" in my room, I am also keeping with activities and experiences that change my vibrations to be more in joy and happy regardless of the current environment; while trying to keep a balance from being way too impulsive (as we know, that hasn't always served me this lifetime..LOL) And I ever so look forward to these activities and experiences. I have started going to a Yoga class and a Salsa dance class, among some of the other activities I may spontaneously do that make me ever so happy (smile) I totally love it!!!
All is well in the Universe..
Carol
