"I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. Don't know were it goes, but it's home to me and i walk alone..."
Going thru the Wringer in November...
I started out calling November 2010 as the month of Patterns from the Past...ending the month off with a high pitch crescendo internally screaming while going thru some human wringer.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I will admit that it wasn't as intense as 2009, only because it lacked the intense physical nausea and bowels detoxing. There was some definite moments of feeling like multiple personality disorder and digging deep somewhere, don't even know where-to go back into center and anchor back in-whewww!!! That was a damn energetic workout!!! So much came up to be cleared, that at this point, i don't even remember exactly what, but daily was a deep dive within..almost holding my breath..and coming back up when my lungs felt like they where about to burst-letting out the breath, and all the other shit with it. I'm so done!!!!
The ride seemed to be over by last week of November, which i slept most of the time. The intense dreams of earlier in the month also seemed to calm down a bit...and back to dreams of beauty instead of terrifying panic, screams and sub-dimensional fights with people from my past.
"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me, my shallow hearts the only thing that's beating."
It got soooo quiet, that the only thing I felt left standing was me and my shadow..the only bitch is, no matter how I stand and talk to it...it just doesn't quite answer me back. i don't know if this is a good or bad thing..LOL It definately beats the shadow whispers filled with guilt and shame!!!
I felt like at the beginning of the month I walked into a house of mirrors screaming from the horror of what each mirror was reflecting back to me...No hiding, and no denying some..hmmm..let me just call them qualities.
If there where some things that I was either denying, or was unaware of, the mirrors reflected them back. I couldn't find the "out" of this house of mirrors...until the processing that needed to be done at that moment was. Until there was enough nurturing and love, and heart wide open to accept and integrate and release that which no longer serves. When finally leaving the house of mirrors, I felt a bit battered from some internal war, and surprised to see nothing in the mirrors...I mean NOTHING...i turned a few times 360 degrees...and nothing was reflected back...just blank mirrors! Talk about walking alone....
The Vibe continues...another level of self-awareness
November also seemed to push me into another level of self-awareness of not only the emotional triggers and old thought patterns that need to be released. But also the awareness of the human body. I seemed much more aware of the signs along with the intuition, that the body gives. Awareness into the restricted feelings, and constraints of energies in the chakra system that I had not payed attention to before...or if I did, not at this level. The entire month, I have felt a vibratory energy going up and down my spine, accompanied with occasional sensations of heat. It is not painful, not uncomfortable per se...but just an awareness...hard for me to explain.
This sensation is not the tingle sensation either that I have occasionally felt start from the Crown and tingle my entire body from crown to toes...this is very vibratory and internal. As it moves it's way up, it seems to swirl a bit in the heart center, before continuing in it's up and down path. What is this? I don't really know...could be some Kundalini type of energy, or maybe just the expansion and awareness of ones own vibratory energy. I'm not sure, and will take a few "days off" before going within to get a response on this...I'm still feeling a bit in the need of rest after November's energies.
Hanging on to Trust (cont.)...
November also seemed to carry a theme of "Trust". That total, feminine energy trust. The ultimate trust that no matter what Ones exterior World looks like, the Universe will always provide. Since it seems that I wasn't able to completely grab this one...the theme is moving into Dec. for me. I'm hanging from the branch, energy merged, knowing i won't fall or suffer serious injury..but I'm hanging there, and trusting and hanging, then realizing.."OK, now what, so i am hanging?..yeah, i didn't fall off the cliff, nor did the branch brake..OK-damn, now I need to get back on solid ground!"
I felt like the branch didn't break, but my old dreams are broken, and I am having a hard time creating new dreams. Out on the branch, all alone. And in this moment, I am in an ackward angle and don't quite see my shadow that i'm so used to being accompanied by (even if it doesn't talk back! hey, it's mine!) At this time, my exterior world isn't what i would like it to be. I got sooo excited getting out of the House of Mirrors, that I really felt that i had placed ultimate trust in myself, my manifesting abilities, and this process (and the branch-LOL)...but so far nothing has gone into fruition from my manifesting techniques...so my exterior World is not looking that great yet.
Yes, i know it serves...but I am also sooo ready for a new beginning. I really am. I don't want to hang over the ledge too long...especially if I already experienced that the branch didn't break, and I didn't fall...totally trust. Unless, I'm subconsciously some sick bitch, and i'm going to hang out there for a bit accompanied by the Laws of Gravity, to either see if i transcend gravity/belief or if i'll be swooped up by Angels if the branch breaks, or i accidentally lose my grip getting back on solid ground (ohhh, i'm so 40 days and 40 nights imprinted..i swear-LOL)
Into December I go...
I am however, ever so confident that i have infinite opportunities to keep improving my conscious manifesting skills. I like to dream, and dream big...even if my old dreams where shattered, and I'm shifting off the Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I am also positive that everything I have ever asked for…All that I have worked for…everything I deserve and I am worthy of, is on it’s way!!! Now, let's see if December has me let go the pattern of being such an "extremist" that I've been holding on to (didn't see it in the house of mirrors though-maybe my eyes where closed doing 360 degrees-LOL). Until then, however, i have extreme issues, other than this blog and my FB page of expressing any type of truths or spiritual philosophies.
Though I get the sense of December being somewhat of a Limbo month...let me dream my way through it...
xoxox
