Going thru the Wringer in November...

 

"I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known.  Don't know were it goes, but it's home to me and i walk alone..."

 Going thru the Wringer in November...

I started out calling November 2010 as the month of Patterns from the Past...ending the month off  with a high pitch crescendo  internally screaming while going thru some human wringer.  

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  

I will admit that it wasn't as intense as 2009, only because it lacked the intense physical nausea and bowels detoxing.  There was some definite moments of feeling like multiple personality disorder and digging deep somewhere, don't even know where-to go back into center and anchor back in-whewww!!!  That was a damn energetic workout!!! So much came up to be cleared, that at this point, i don't even remember exactly what, but daily was a deep dive within..almost holding my breath..and coming back up  when my lungs felt like they where about to burst-letting out the breath, and all the other shit with it.  I'm so done!!!!

The ride seemed to be over by last week of November, which i slept most of the time.  The intense dreams of earlier in the month also seemed to calm down a bit...and back to dreams of beauty instead of terrifying panic, screams and sub-dimensional fights with people from my past. 

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me, my shallow hearts the only thing that's beating."

It got soooo quiet, that the only thing I felt left standing was me and my shadow..the only bitch is, no matter how I stand and talk to it...it just doesn't quite answer me back.  i don't know if this is a good or bad thing..LOL It definately beats the shadow whispers filled with guilt and shame!!!  

I felt like at the beginning of the month I walked into a house of mirrors screaming from the horror of what each mirror was reflecting back to me...No hiding, and no denying some..hmmm..let me just call them qualities.

If there where some things that I was either denying, or was unaware of, the mirrors reflected them back.  I couldn't find the "out" of this house of mirrors...until the processing that needed to be done at that moment was.  Until there was enough nurturing and love, and heart wide open to accept and integrate and release that which no longer serves.  When finally leaving the house of mirrors, I felt a bit battered from some internal war, and surprised to see nothing in the mirrors...I mean NOTHING...i turned a few times 360 degrees...and nothing was reflected back...just blank mirrors!  Talk about walking alone....

The Vibe continues...another level of self-awareness

November also seemed to push me into another level of self-awareness of not only the emotional triggers and old thought patterns that need to be released.  But also the awareness of the human body.  I seemed much more aware of the signs along with the intuition, that the body gives.  Awareness into the restricted feelings, and constraints of energies in the chakra system that I had not payed attention to before...or if I did, not at this level.  The entire month, I have felt a vibratory energy going up and down my spine, accompanied with occasional sensations of heat.  It is not painful, not uncomfortable per se...but just an awareness...hard for me to explain.

This sensation is not the tingle sensation either that I have occasionally felt start from the Crown and tingle my entire body from crown to toes...this is very vibratory and internal.  As it moves it's way up, it seems to swirl a bit in the heart center, before continuing in it's up and down path.  What is this?  I don't really know...could be some Kundalini type of energy, or maybe just the expansion and awareness of ones own vibratory energy.  I'm not sure, and will take a few "days off" before going within to get a response on this...I'm still feeling a bit in the need of rest after November's energies.



Hanging on to Trust (cont.)...

November also seemed to carry a theme of  "Trust".   That total, feminine energy trust.  The ultimate trust that no matter what Ones exterior World looks like, the Universe will always provide.  Since it seems that I wasn't able to completely grab this one...the theme is moving into Dec. for me.  I'm hanging from the branch, energy merged, knowing i won't fall or suffer serious injury..but I'm hanging there, and trusting and hanging, then realizing.."OK, now what, so i am hanging?..yeah, i didn't fall off the cliff, nor did the branch brake..OK-damn, now I need to get back on solid ground!"

I felt like the branch didn't break, but my old dreams are broken, and I am having a hard time creating new dreams.  Out on the branch, all alone.  And in this moment, I am in an ackward angle and don't quite see my shadow that i'm so used to being accompanied by (even if it doesn't talk back! hey, it's mine!)  At this time, my exterior world isn't what i would like it to be.  I got sooo excited getting out of the House of Mirrors, that I really felt that i had placed ultimate trust in myself, my manifesting abilities, and this process (and the branch-LOL)...but so far nothing has gone into fruition from my manifesting techniques...so my exterior World is not looking that great yet.

Yes, i know it serves...but I am also sooo ready for a new beginning.  I really am.  I don't want to hang over the ledge too long...especially if I already experienced that the branch didn't break, and I didn't fall...totally trust.  Unless, I'm subconsciously some sick bitch, and i'm going to hang out there for a bit accompanied by the Laws of Gravity, to either see if i transcend gravity/belief or if i'll be swooped up by Angels if the branch breaks,  or i accidentally lose my grip getting back on solid ground (ohhh, i'm so 40 days and 40 nights imprinted..i swear-LOL)

Into December I go...

I am however, ever so confident that i have infinite opportunities to keep improving my conscious manifesting skills.  I like to dream, and dream big...even if my old dreams where shattered, and I'm shifting off the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.  I am also positive that everything I have ever asked for…All that I have worked for…everything I deserve and I am worthy of, is on it’s way!!!    Now, let's see if December has me let go the pattern of being such an "extremist" that I've been holding on to (didn't see it in the house of mirrors though-maybe my eyes where closed doing 360 degrees-LOL).  Until then, however, i have extreme issues, other than this blog and my FB page of expressing any type of truths or spiritual philosophies.


Though I get the sense of December being somewhat of a Limbo month...let me dream my way through it...


xoxox

"To thine own self be true…..”

“And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou can not then be false to any man.” 

Pointing Fingers...

 

It's been brought to my attention several times in the past few months that these type of blog posts and posting to Facebook is a way of drawing attention to Oneself.  That it is a way of saying "Look at me...look at how Enlightened I Am..."...almost like the continual seeking outside of Oneself for acceptance or to feel special.  That of the unbalanced big EGO.  I even had someone comment on my first blog post that they no longer "need" to blog or share their experiences.  Yet, I don't ever remember my posts carrying an intent of "needing" to share.  I just felt like doing it in the moment.


I feel like fingers being pointed at me for sharing!!!  I am sure somewhere deep inside it is a reflection that I am either in judgment of myself for these type of transmissions, or maybe what is being reflected back to me is that I can stand true to myself, no matter how others may judge my actions or behaviors.  I don't know.  I ask myself the questions...why do I post?, what do I gain?, and why do I do it?.  And no answer from within comes up with a "need", or acceptance, or look at me...the only response I hear is "sharing", "love", "joy", "freedom".  I do enjoy sharing and do enjoy writing a story or two.  I once had a dream of being a writer.


Then I wonder...even if my posts did have the intent of "look at me..." why would that be bad?  What would it matter?  Can it be OK, for someone who has remained hidden most of this lifetime, to feel comfortable for once to express, whether it be in a personal journal, an electronic journal or social network?  I see it no different than sharing these similar questions, insights and experiences via a post than via a phone conversation.  It's the same for me, minus the expense of international phone calls!!!   
 

Lighting the Way...

We all carry infinite potential roads to walk for processing and towards what some call "Enlightenment" or "Ascension"...who is to say that my current processing and chosen paths aren't also being lightened up for those who may, or may not chose to follow?  I have the spark of the divine also within as any other human incarnate on Earth...so I am positive that my words, the words of God, and channeled from my Higher Self, serve someone, somehow, somewhere...if not, most importantly these posts and words, indeed serve Me!


Sometimes I wonder if the mediums such as Rothers, Barbara With, Lauren Gorgo, Meridith Murphy, etc etc etc. receive emails that their transmissions or newsletters, that find their way into thousands of email inboxes, are nothing more than these medium's way of trying to get attention or acceptance outside of themselves?   I wonder how many times they hear that sharing in a Newsletter about this process has to do with their big EGO? Or that sitting in front of a video camera  while channeling is just a form of Spiritual Glamor.  I do wonder...

I AM That I AM...true to Self.

Carol

Patterns...from...the...Past...xxxx...xxxx...xxxx...

 

Boy, isn’t November turning into such a bitch with old belief and old patterns smacked dab in One’s face!!!!  I’m calling this month, the month of “Patterns from the Past”.  It’s been an interesting month to once again let go that which no longer serves.  It’s going even deeper than before, because the behaviors and patterns aren’t the typical patterns One has already released and broken from during this process…these are patterns that come up every 5-10 years, so at first that don’t even seem like patterns, but some random experience that defies any Universal Law.  However, they indeed follow the Universals Laws and really put us threw the test of being able to use all tools and energy work into place..walk the talk, per se, and remain grounded and centered.

This month also seems to continue the intensity of completing any karmic and soul contracts…especially those with family that we may be still holding on to, due to the beliefs one has around family and family unity.  I for One, become aware this weekend of some family dynamics that I had not paid attention to in the past…especially since I have only become once again involved with my biological family less than three years.  I will honestly say, what I observed this weekend, has once again deepened the desire to not really interact with them..and through intent have release the energetic ties that may still be holding on for dear life.  Though I do believe all experiences serve, and harmony can be obtained even in an unharmonious environment..for all energy can be transmuted to serve..but I also do not object from the simply act of removing Oneself from what does not serve.

The truth is, I enjoy so much more communicated with soul family, then I do with biological family.  At least for now, while remaining contracts are coming into closure, until the time comes that some relationships can come back together anew.

I didn’t feel much physical symptoms for the 11/11 portal..but I did have a moment that felt like multiple personality disorder..and the old feelings of doubt and distrust rose to the service.  I was cursing this process and path…wanted to jump out of my skin and just be done with it.  It was probably a 48hour episode…with the highlight being some weird feelings of seeming to have asthmatic episodes.  Boy was I relieved when that shit was over..and back to center.  I am also glad, that in that moment I almost made some decision that I had not intuitively gone in to feel if it would serve my highest good..and before committing, I decided to wait a week or so before doing a “feel” it and deciding.  Whewww!!  LOL 

Going into mid-month now, I am once again feeling the excitement of this life ending, and once again getting the glimpses of a new beginning just peering around the corner.  I see the beauty of sporting patterns that will serve.  I smile knowing all that I have asked for…All that I have worked for…everything I deserve and I am worthy of is on it’s way!!! 

I smile knowing…I am that I fucking AM..OH YEAH!!!!

Carol

Almost Lost My Mind...

Wasn’t October such an interesting month?  With only a few weeks into November, October came and went.  Left me as fast as it came…like a wind of change that blows my hair back while caressing my face, tingling my body..mmmm with a sweet smell of Earth; only leaving the imprints of emotions and feelings that where triggered and transmuted, but yet, I can’t really remember much of the month’s events.

I do know that I did go through some tremendous shift somewhere mid-month.  This shift brought in a gift decoratively wrapped in the most precious wrapping paper, topped with the most amazing, intricate sparkling bow.  I was excited to unwrap this wonderful package, to find inside the gift of awareness showing me how I was still very absorbed in the intellectual and mind.  The mind is a terrible thing to waste…so this gift included the added bonus of not transcending the mind, per se, but the knowing of how to re-program the mind to be the servant and no longer be the master.  I really felt that I had done this already, and at a surface level indeed I had.  But this next phase was to really go deeper and becoming aware of my thoughts and patterns-and breaking them to allow a much deeper understanding and alignment.

   
Feeling Naked... 
 

 

There was a few days of feeling completely hopeless and helpless.  The mind chatter seemed to stop!!  That was soooo surprising to me.  I felt yet another level of discomfort by this.  Like my best friend just died!!!  I was sitting in quiet, in the moment, yet something seemed like it was “missing”.  I felt naked and exposed. It also didn’t feel right to just let it leave…so I went looking for it.

A State of Mind...

As I closed my eyes, I saw my mind crying in deep sobs crouched in a dark corner.  I gently had to approach this wounded child carefully and cautiously so it would not hide deeper and deeper away from me.  As I slowly approach this beloved one, and sat next to it…it yelled and screamed at me..telling me how mad it was and how much it fucking hated me.  It felt rage, and rejected.  I could feel this beloved one.  Through every cell in my body, I could feel what it was feeling.  My heart broke, my gut turned, my eyes filled with tears as well. 




Nurture...  

 

Instinctly, I wanted to swallow back these feelings, and pretend that everything would be fine.  For a split second of a moment, I felt like the parent that sets boundaries for their child, and during a trantum does not enforce the boundaries..and doesn’t follow thru.  The next split second, before going back to my old patterns and behaviors..I allowed my feelings to move in the presence of my mind.  Both, together hovered in a corner.  I slowly got closer to my mind, and swiftly took my mind into my arms and we both sobbed together.  I explained to my mind that I understood how it was feeling, for I have had those feeling myself this lifetime.  I explained however, that things could not be the same, and change was inevitable.  We moved into silence, then moved into a loving embrace.  As my mind opened up and allowed me to nurture it so.

I told mind that I was sooo sorry.  Asked my mind to please forgive me.  I expressed my gratitude for all it has done for me during this lifetime.  Proceeding with telling my mind how much I ever so loved my mind…right at the moment, we re-merged as One.

 

We continue working on total alignment…

Carol